A beginning of some sort

Hello everyone!

It's been a while. I haven't written anything simply because I am too lazy to even think about what to write. But the past weeks were great. So many things happened but I haven't had the urge to write about them. First things first! I want to have a fresh start again with this blog! I want to write things that matter, things that make sense, reflective incidents and I think this time is the perfect time.

Since my friends and I were all planning different traveling ideas, might as well write about it. That's the first on my list: traveling. But anyway, my first travel entry will be written not until the middle of next year, so I hope you guys (or whoever might find this online) can wait for it. I am too excited for our Palawan (with blockmates) and Boracay (with orgmates) trips next year!

Second on the list is my job, my very first job. In 3 weeks, I would be done with my first 6 months in the company and hopefully become a regular. Again, I am enjoying my first job, surprisingly. And may I just add, we have the coolest boss/president ever. We had our company outing 2 weeks ago at Anvaya Cove in Bataan (or near it, I don't know!) and I was surprised by how funny and kind and friendly our boss was. Now that's unexpected for a first job experience. So be sure to catch up on my blog posts about my working experience.

Third on the list is my family of course! I can't wait to blog about my first nephew, whose name I think is Liam, tentatively. haha! And he will be arriving in 3 weeks as well! So excited! So expect me to visit my sister's condo once in a while to maybe take care of him :) I can't for Christmas! and New Year with family! Marami na kami!

Lastly, I want to talk more about the things that I am going through. I know I've been under so many problems for the past months, that I cannot really discuss here, but I think I'm coping. I'm adjusting and I am just enjoying life as it is! I am enjoying my job, and I am just having fun in my own way.

So there, these are the things I would really like to talk about in my upcoming posts. Enough of the drama, enough of those rants, dramatic one-liners. Frankly, if you are miserable, might as well be happy (now that's a line from a play). And so it begins!

That's it for now.
:)
-T

Cubao Nights!

Yesterday, Merce randomly messaged me on Twitter. Niyaya niya ako na mag-dinner kami today. Incidentally, before she messaged me, I was actually browsing her Instagram account and thought of inviting her some time for food! Sobrang saya! Meant to be! Haha! And so we pushed through the dinner. Initially, balak sana namin sa Maginhawa. She contacted Roj. Pero since baka hassle siya for everyone na sa Maginhawa, sa UP Town na lang daw. I left early from work and arrived at UP Town mga 5:30pm. Naglibot-libot muna sa Cotton On haha! Pero nang mga 6pm na, wala pa ring nagtetext sa akin. And so, tumambay muna ako sa labas ng JCo. And lo and behold, I waited for 3 hours na walang nagcocontact sa akin! Yun pala, ibang phone gamit ni Merce. Anyway, nagpunta na lang kami sa Cubao kasi nandoon si Roj, nilalagnat na raw so he really can't make it to Katipunan. Stayed for a bit sa Starbucks with Roj. Had dinner at Army Navy. At umabot ang kwentuhan namin until 12 midnight hahaha! So much fun catching up with friends! :)

Picture from Merce's IG

Random update!

Woohoo! First, kakatapos ko lang ng isang task sa work and can I just say, sobrang hirap ng ginawa ko. For one weekend, I tried to study my old ECE books just review myself sa isang specific na topic na related sa tinatrabaho ko ngayon. And now, andami kong natutunan na old topics plus new topics na sa net lang mababasa. Super fulfilling na may bagong malaman. It's almost 10PM and kakasend ko lang ng report na ginawa ko sa higher ups, and naghihintay pa ako ng comments. Whew!

The past days, puro katakawan na naman kami dito. I stopped my nutrition program kasi super expensive and nasstress ako masyado para hindi pa kumain.

But anyways, the past days have been fun for me. Sa umaga trabaho which I really love doing haha! At sa gabi naman kung ano anong pinagkakakain ko at pinapanood haha.

Wala lang update :)

More and more...

Hi everyone (as if marami ang nagbabasa, e isa lang naman. charot!)! I've decided to blog more frequently kasi bumabalik na naman yung pagka-therapeutic niya for me. Eh imbes namang magmukmok at mag-stalk ng kaisa-isang tao sa social media acconts niya at mag-emote at ma-bitter, edi isusulat ko na rin lang yung mga feelings ko for him. Joke! And also, isa na rin tong paraan para alam niya kung anong nangyayari sa buhay ko these days. E pakshet.

So, today is my 3rd day for my 2nd set of 10-day nutrition program. And I must say, I so feel good about it. Nakakatulong talaga siya and in fairness, healthy food lang kinakain ko for the past month except sa mga special occasions na kumain ako ng pizza, pasta, etc.

Today's work is OK naman. These past few weeks, ang dami kong ginawang bago. Parami na nang parami yung mga tasks ko which I find challenging kasi mas naeenjoy ko pa ring maging busy. Also, today I decided to dress up, para maiba naman. Pagkatapos ko ba namang magpagupit, syempre tatapatan ko iyon ng maayos na pananamit. HAHA.

Sa ka nerdyhan ko, I tried to calculate kung gaano kahaba nalalakad ko on an average working day. Gamit ang Google Maps, I calculated na naglalakad ako ng about 6.6km during working days, and that's 3 times a week. Nice haha. :P

Also, update kay Lady Gaga, OMG. Sabi nga nga kapwa Little Monster, her promotion of her album Cheek to Cheek is ON POINT. Daming nangyayari!!! So far, my favorite song is "I Can't Give You Anything But Love" :3

Update update!

After 2 months, nagpagupit na ako! And it feels so refreshing and therapeutic. For about a week, sobrang araw-araw nag cocontemplate ba talaga ako kung magpapagupit o hindi. To push for that long hair look I've been imagining for a long, long time or just stay sa isang clean cut. Laki ng problema ko haha. But then I asked my roommate yesterday to cut hair or not to cut hair. With no hesitations, he said yes I should, so I did.

Update naman sa sarili ko, OK naman ako sa work haha. So far enjoying it! And also, I'm on my second day of my 2nd 10-day nutrition program at 360 wellness! For my first round, I lost 6.8 lbs without any exercise, and only by eating food that is on my meal program. But  of course, since I am working everyday, I calculated that I'm walking around 2.5 km every day so I think that counts! So far, I'm happy with the results. Ang kailangan lang talaga ay ayusing ko yung discipline when it comes to eating. I have to always stick to my program!

:)

After more than a month of not writing here, ganito pa rin nararamdaman ko. Loneliness. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ko kailangan ng kausap about so many things just like before. I felt you were so uninterested. Kaya di na lang ako iimik.

:(

This is the time when I almost feel lonely, useless and irrelevant. Yung mga moments na nakahiga ka lang sa kama and you really cannot do anything. Bumabalik na naman siya. I am so sad right now, I don't know why...

Cancelled Rehearsals

Haaay nakakalungkot.

Dahil hiniram ni Kevin payong ko, nilibre niya ako ng Coke, and eto ang nakuha ko hehehe. Right before leaving the RR dahil suspended na ang classes.

Cancelled rehearsals today and tomorrow because of typhoon Glenda. So sad. Kung kelan hype na hype na ako at ang mga part ng prod dahil may choreo-ish rehearsals na! Oh well. Sana walang trabaho bukas! haha. pero kung meron man, at least, may libre lunch out bukas dahil may baguhan na naman sa work. Wee!

PS: Sana sinasagot mo ako diba. hehe.
PPS: ingat kayong lahat. :)

Photo from Vix

Ang cute cute mo pa rin. Gusto kita kausapin. Tapos mag uusap lang tayo dito sa dorm habang umuulan. Tapos kwento kwento tapos pag wala na mapag usapan, momol na lang hahahahaha. Sana maulit pa rin yun. Hahahahahaha.

meet tayo. choooke... :))

#openyoureyes

Hello! I just want to share a song I discovered after hearing Phillip Phillips' latest album. Nakakatuwa kasi parehong title siya ng isa ko ring paborito pang kanta na Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol. Here is Phillip's song Open Your Eyes:

And yes, kanta ko ulit to para sa yo. Para sayo pa rin. :) GV.

Here are some pictures of the past week's rehearsals wala lang para updated ka. :)

Kasama namin ni Vix yung playwright ng play kung san kami umarte, kasama si Anika, kapatid ni Miko Zabala :) 

Habang nagrerehearse yung ibang plays, naghaharutan lang with Anika :) 

Right after the reading bago mag dinner sa Silangan Hall, nadaanan ko sina Miko and Anika with their Mom, took a picture with them :) 

For the third time, was able to work with Sir Dennis and Sir Glenn :)

 With all the actor volunteers for this batch. Kami ni Juerjen ang may loyalty award haha.

Before rehearsals at RMT, pawisan kasi nagcommute from work :) Haggard haha

Had a haircut this week! Still before rehearsals 

 Company Call! Sobrang bare pa ng stage!

 Random portrait :) In fariness, matagal ko nang hindi nasusuot yang shirt na yan, kasi masikip na sakin. Pero ayan na sya, nasusuot ko na! HAHAHA.

 The entire cast reciting a monologue! :D

OK ang taba ko rito. haha. Nagpapamasahe habang naghihintay ng rehearsal during ENTA auditions :D

First ever picture from work (besides my picure ID hehe) sobrang nahihiya pa ako eh hahaha

So far the week was great. Palapit na nang palapit ang shows HUHUHU. Anyways. Listen to the song...

All pictures from:
Vim Calmerin, ENTA DNP, Mae Villanueva, Yvonne Ricaro, Prio Opelanio, Sir Glenn Mas

Somehow winiwish ko na it's all about me. those tweets are all about me. kasi somehow, iniisip ko pa rin na ikaw pa rin, na ako pa rin...

Getting there

Almost 2 weeks of rehearsals, and ang masasabi ko lang, sobrang iba pa rin talaga pag alam mong gusto mo yung ginagawa mo kahit pagod ka na. Literally, you're tired, pero kasi di mo na nararamdaman kung pagod ka na kasi what really mattered at that moment was the feeling that what you were doing was what you really wanted to do. I always said back then that I would never ever direct again after Oyayi. Sobrang stressful. Di ko kinaya dahil mahirap kapag director nga naman, mahirap na iisipin mo lahat. Ikaw ang nakakaalam ng lahat, kung anong vision mo, anong patutunguhan ng dulang yon, kung anong gusto mong iparating. Nastress ako emotionally, physically, artistically. I accepted this offer, kasi sabi ko, gusto kong maalog yung utak ko. Gusto ko pang matuto--makaranas ng something more outside my comfort zone. And now na halos nasa 1/4 na nag production ang nagagawa namin, I can say I am having fun right now. Mabuti naman :)

Screenshots from RJ's videos for his thesis hehe.

2014 - 1/2

Minsan napapaisip ako, why are you so quiet? Bakit hindi ka magkwento ng mga adventures mo online? Is there still something wrong with your life? Or ganun ka lang ba talaga? Or why is it you are so quiet only kapag wala na ako? Nagtatanong lang. -_- Are you that secretive? Are you shy? Are you both keeping it secret?

Still wondering. Still thinking. Still asking questions. Questions you would never answer...

Dropped like a vase. No goodbyes, no final words, no anything.

honestly, there are times na I think you are too tired of me, too annoyed of me, too impatient for me to go out of your life so you can be with another one...BUT you can't tell me because 1) you are too good and too kind to lose a friendship 2) too wary to know that someone is devastated over you 3) too coward to even say anything.

believe me, sana sabihin mo na lang nang dire diretso. if totoo man.

but i still believe, kahit mukha na akong tanga, hanggat di mo sinasabi, believe me, im still here.

tired. but not tired.

You know I wouldn't mind. Kahit ilang kaartehan pa natin, kahit ilang hindi pagkakaunawaan, I will always be unable to resist saying something. I will always be the first one to maybe ask questions. I will always be there to act as if you must belong with me.

Pero ang di ko na talaga matiis is you always leave me to doubt. To keep me hanging. When I ask questions you probably don't want to answer, you keep me hanging. One very painful thing to do to a person is to let him think of all the things he can think of, mapa-aware ka man o hindi. The very thought of being indifferent to casual situations. Kung gaano mo binalewala yung mga simpleng tanong, ganoon din yun kabigat sa pag-iisip nung taong nagtanong. That is painful.

It may seem a little thing. But it destroys a person very gently. It can be a form of being 'praning'. But it the point is you let them be praning. You let them think of things. Wala naman masamang magtanggi, magsabi ng totoo, manakit ng harapan. Pinakamahirap yung biglang bibitaw at walang sasabihin.

You let people play with their minds.

The hardest hardest part is, deep inside, I wanna give up. But I won't. And I want you to remember that I did not chose for me to give up. You chose for me to give up. Maybe because it is what you want.

Just remember. I did not want this.

NEVER EVER SAY THAT I DON'T DESERVE YOU. BECAUSE FRANKLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD THAT TO HIM.

Crazy

I feel so lonely tonight. Mag-isa na naman sa apartment.

Kung isang course siguro ang buhay, bagsak na bagsak na ako. I feel so empty, I can't even express it through words.

I remember an episode I watched in Korina's magazine tv show, yung kapag galit na galit ka, may isang establishment na pwede ka lang magtapon nang magtapon ng mga pinggan sa isang wall, Tacsiyapo ata yung name nung place. I just wanna do that right now. I wanna release emotions. I wanna shout over a mountain. I wanna scream my lungs out, and cry, and laugh out so loud.

I wanna release...

Don't make me feel like a fool. 'Yan na lang ang tangi kong pakiusap. Say what has to be said, if there is.

Contented

Alone time again sa apartment, after a kinda long day: went to Math Department to update my status for teaching for first semester, and had another artistic meeting for the upcoming production. So pagkauwi ko, dami ko na namang naiisip. And I suddenly realize, so far kuntento na ako. Ilang taon din akong naging parating balisa, worried, parating nag-iisip ng problema, sa acads, sa org works. Pero ngayon, wala na akong iniisip na ganoon, sobrang gaan sa pakiramdam. And while I'm on my last days before actually working in an actual job, sinusulit ko na tong happiness na nararamdaman ko for contentment. Ilang araw na lang, and panibagong routine na naman. Ilang araw na lang may mga bago na naman akong kakilala. It is so refreshing.

And once na nakaadjust na ako sa job and sa pagdirect ng next production, that would be another time to think kung ano na naman poproblemahin ko. Another time to think kung anong next move ko. What career would I get out of this new job. What's the next step for this track? Kailangan ko atang aralin kung anong career ang nilolookforward ng isang patent analyst. Also, while directing, panibagong pagpiga na naman ng utak for creative juices. Ano pang pwede kong i-contribute? This has been my problem since I had the lsaa. After that recognition, halos wala pa akong naicocontribute sa field na iyon. This is it. A new challenge. And kailangan kong pagandahin to dahil nakakasalalay ang pangalan ko. Charot. Haha.

But so far so good. I may not be able to teach na, pero oks lang. Kung di ko makuha yun, probably it's because I may not be able to give my full attention to other stuff I do. Oks na ako dun. :)

Thanks for this huhu. :)

Failure is an integral part of success.

I feel so unmotivated for the past couple of years. And today, I feel the failure crawling upon me. :( I don't know where to start. I failed my exam. I practically did not improve as a PM for the second time. My transcript is not impressive. I feel uncomfortable with my interviews. I failed at friendships and relationships. I fail on keeping in touch with my family and friends. I can't seem to solidify my vision for an upcoming production. And I am always inside this four-walled, four-cornered room, 24/7. And yes, I will be 23 years old in 3 months. And also, I feel like I still don't know what to do with my life. They say, what you do in your early 20s will be the habits of your life. And knowing this, I'd probably die struggling to find out what I really want.

I feel directionless. I feel unplanned. And I feel weak.

Sana maprove ng life ko yung title ng entry na to.

Pointers

"Nagmumukhang "kayang-kaya mo akong palitan.""
--E, mas nagmumukhang ako ang kayang-akay mong palitan. With no regrets. To think na kayo naman talaga in the first place. I have no right. Kaya ako ang kayang-kaya mong palitan.

"You deserve someone way better than me."
--Sana sabihin mo rin yan sa kanya. Kasi, mas deserve niya ata yang line mo na yan after all you both have been through. Tapos ganyan mo siya tinrato. At kapag binitawan mo na yang line na yan sa kanya, feeling ko doon mo marerealize na, it's not because I deserve someone better than you, but because all along, maybe you are just afraid to tell me that you would chose him over me. Mas pipiliin ko pang masaktan dahil harap-harapan mo sa aking sasabihing mas mahal mo siya kaysa pilit mong ipagdidiinang I don't deserve you,... because even if I don't deserve you... the hell I care. It is you, Deli, that I want. It's a matter of standing up if you like me or not.

The other half I wanted to tell aside from what I blog before:
I keep on bugging you to come over my place, and do those random stuff. It's not just about that. Sa sobrang desperado ko, sa sobrang pagkatanga ko, sa sobrang kabobohan ko, iyon na lang ang naiisip kong paraan para makita ka sa personal. Dahil sigurado ako, you would never meet me or see me, or, maybe even think about me, if not because of those random things we do. How I wish I am wrong on this point, but that's what've become of me, a practical slut. So I hope you appreciate all the little 'hey's and all the little 'uy's on chat, the simple smileys i type, the usual kaharutan sa chat, the phone call, the t/sext. Because it's not just about that. It was my way to actually believe you wanted to talk to me in the first place.

There I've said it. :) All the unspoken reasons why I keep bugging you, not stopping to talk to you. And all what-nots.

"Believe what you want." That's your usual line. But this time, I say, believe what you want, because I believe what I just wrote. :)

Not only do you make me feel like an idiot, you are making me feel useless.

Hindi MAkatulog

Alas tres na ng umaga, pero hindi ako makatulog. Nakahiga na ako sa aking kama, ngunit nakabukas pa rin ang mga mata. Halos kita ko na ang buong silid dahil sa matagal na kadiliman, at pati na rin sa ilaw na pumapasok sa galing sa hallway sa labas. Pero hindi talaga ako makatulog. Napakaraming pumapasok sa isipan ko ngayon. Una, ang mga nalalapit kong mga panayam para sa mga trabaho at ang demo class sa susunod na linggo. Parehong kaba at excitement ang nararamdaman ko. Pero mas nangingibabaw ang excitement. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko mula pa man nang papasok pa lang ako ng kolehiyo na ipinanganak ako para magtrabaho at hindi mag-aral. Masamang pakinggan pero ang punto ko rito ay mas natutuwa akong pinaghihirapan ko ang aking ginagawa dahil gusto ko, hindi dahil sa kailangan kong makakuha ng mataas na marka. Bukod sa pera, iyong simpleng kagustuhan mong magawa ang nais mong gawin ay sweldo na para sa akin. At heto na siya, paparating na. At bukod sa paghahanap buhay, mas inaabangan ko talaga iyong pakiramdam na nagagawa mong paunlarin iyong sarili mo, paunlarin ang kaalaman, paunlarin ang kakayahan sa napiling larangan. Iyon talaga ang inaabangan ko. Bonus na ang sweldo. Hehe.

Pangalawa, hindi talaga ako makatulog dahil sa papalapit na produksyon ng Enta na ako ang magdidirehe. Lahat ay iniisip ko. Mula sa konsepto, sa pagbubuo ng artistic team, sa pagpaplano ng schedule hanggang sa pamagat ng twinbill na ito, nasa isip ko ngayong gabi. Ngayong gabi, hindi pa kumpleto ang pangkat pansining, wala pang tiyak na pamagat, walang pang tiyak na petsa ng plano, wala pang napag-uuapan. At halos tatlong linggo na lang, audition na. Kailangan nang magawa ang set para sa reservation ng teatro. Kailangan na ang pamagat para may identity na ang produksyon. Kaya hindi ako makatulog, hindi dahil hindi ko maisip kung anong gagawin ko para sa mga ito, kundi dahil napakarami kong naiisip na ideya at baka makalimutan ko ang mga ito. Sinulat ko na lang sa Memo ng cellphone ko yung mga naiisip ko, pero mukhang hindi naman gumagana, baka makalimutan ko pa rin pagkagising ko kung bakit ko naisip iyong mga iyon.

At dahil diyan, naisip kong magsulat na lang ng blog. Ngayon ok na ako, nasabi ko na ang gusto kong sabihin. At dahil naisulat ko na yung mga iniisip ko ngayong gabi/umaga, alam kong totoo ngang may kailangan akong gawin bukas.

Bukas. Bukas dapat marami akong gagawin pero sigurado akong tatamarin na naman ako. Kailangan kong aralin muli ang tesis ko kung sakali mang matanong ito sa panayam. Kailangan ko ring ihanda ang sarili ko sa mga kadalasang maitatanong sa mga panayam. Kailangan ko rin mag-aral para sa demo class. Kailangan ko ring mag-aral pa para sa board exam. Pero dahil sabay-sabay sila, nakaka-overwhelm lahat. Hindi ko alam kung papano na. Pero sabik pa rin ako kahit na anong mangyari.

:)

GV lang. Good night/morning.

Ang sakit ng ginagawa mo sa akin. But at the end of the day, paulit-ulit na naman to...

Say Anything

I wait for you to say the words I want to be true
But you don't say anything do you.

Let it all come out. Restless heart, lazy mouth.
But you don't say anything do you.

And I would wait all my days to hear the words I need you to say
To keep me hanging on and not walk away
But you don't say anything do you.

Felt so wrong, held my tongue over long distance phones.
Now I'm not holding anything back from you.

But I would wait all my days to hear the words I need you to say
To keep me hanging on and not walk away
But you don't say anything do you

I can't wait another day to say the words I always wanted say
And darling I pray you feel the same way
All I want to say is I love you
All I want to say... All I want to say is I love you.

A beautiful heartwrenching song by Anderson East -- "Say Anything"

Oneliners

Pretty much every single tweet I should have tweeted tonight, but can't do because everyone I love and everyone I know is following me. And it's not good to be more vulnerable than I am currently right now. Here they go:

1. Ang saking ng dibdib ko, literal. It is like someone is pushing me on the chest. And I can't stop it.
2. You've got a pretty eyes, pretty brown eyes. But as time goes on, those stares are getting empty.
3. What is unbelievable is how can someone so good do something so bad.
4. Kailan darating yung panahong makakalimutan na 'to ng lahat? Everyone is either speechless about it, or sobrang naeexcite sa mga ganitong situations.
5. I can never and will never have the sweet talk. I will just always be the good night when all other nights, you are busy.
6. I will never shut people out. It's them who shut me out.

Down

Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot. Aaminin ko, I am not looking forward to the times we spent every time you come here. But I always look forward to the fact that I can see you, talk to you and to just be with you. Totoo yan. Mas pipiliin ko pang makipagkwentuhan ng mga kung anu-anong kinaiinteresan natin. That is why, I really look forward to the things and kasabawan na kwentuhan we have after we do those 'other things'.

I can't be really mad. Sobrang babaw naman kasi kung gagawin ko 'tong isang malaking tampo 'diba. Paulit-ulit na naman. Let's be real, those things happen. Plans sometimes cannot be followed always. I just really hate, in general, na sa sobrang last minute, the waiting turns into nothing. Wala tayong magagawa dyan. Kaya imbes na magmukmok, we better be doing more productive stuff by ourselves.

But I just can't help but be sad. Because what I was really looking forward to was the talk, the eating perhaps and the drinking maybe. But that won't even be happening kahit na bukas. I don't demand anything. (Yan ang hirap pag may nakakabasa ng blog ko, especially ikaw). These are my thoughts, and sana please don't feel that I am demanding and nagpaparinig ako. This is just the way I think. Nagkataon lang na nababasa mo at alam mo yung blog ko hehe.

---I think that you are not looking forward sa labas-labas lang. You are not looking forward sa chill na kwentuhan lang. Maybe because, you find it as a 'date' which you don't want. I just feel sad kung ganoon man yung nasa isip mo. Wala na ako magagawa doon.

Or, if I am wrong all along, busy ka nga lang talaga siguro at baka pagod ka na talaga after work, so you want to go home na after.

My god, sobrang babaw ng mga hinaing ko. But again, don't think of this as something na panibago na naman nating pag-aawayan.

I just find it sad, that if my thinking is true, you would look forward to the naughty things that we do, and not the kwentuhan we have after that. I find it sad that, maybe if I am right, we are not on the right page?

Thoughts thoughts thoughts ko lang yan. No changes needed.

PS: Actually wala pa sa kalahati nang sinulat ko yung totoong mga nasa isip ko. This is kumbaga tip of the iceberg. Dami ko pang mga naiisip. Pero sa susunod na iyon. :P

Full Circle

Wow, while I was chatting to old friends and inviting them to a play I will be directing, it suddenly hit me... WOW LANG TIME FLIES SO FAST, IN FAIRNESS TO WHAT I HAVE BECOME, IN ALL FAIRNESS TO COLLEGE YEARS I HAD IN ENTA.

3 months from now I will be showcasing the first ever major production that I directed. It is a twinbill, that is of course consisting of 2 plays, having an umbrella title. Just like the first ever production I watched in the Ateneo back in 2008, the production Tarong, directed by Sir Jet Tenorio, who I consider to be my sole mentor when it comes to theater. And here I am, 6 years later, right in his own place back then, trying to think of how I am going to make this production beautifully done. 6 YEARS. After 6 years, I never imagined that I am actually doing this. This was NEVER a dream. But as years went by, this was something that I had formed in my mind, that someday, I would be doing this. Thanks to the trust of current ENTA members and officers, and to Ate Ekha... which leads me to...

ATE EKHA interviewed me in my auditions in ENTA 6 years ago. She interviewed me and told me what ENTA is all about. And 6 years later, she is now the moderator of this organization na dati ay si Sir Jet din. Amazeballs. sobrang bilis ng panahon.

AND one more amazing thing. The play MAY KATWIRAN ANG KATWIRAN is now so special to me. Kahit hindi ko masyado kabisado yung dula. It went full circle on me!!! Noong nanalo ako ng LSAA last year for Theater Acting, we were handed the MKAK script, and so I read its entirety. And may nabasa akong paragraph na mahaba, and I thought, bakit sobrang familiar ng paragraph na ito. Then, it hit me!!! That paragraph was the one I used in my first BASIC ACTING WORKSHOP 6 years ago as well. It was really funny though, we had to make a scene for LSAA, and we used MKAK. So amazeballls.

I'm just really amazed. Full circle. Ang saya lang. In advance, I want to thank everyone who gave me trust. Especially to Sir Jet and Ate Ekha. To the current officers, na pinagkatiwalaan talaga ako kahit 4 years na akong hindi nagdidirect.

And now... on to the next three STRESSFUL months of my life!!! APIIIIIIR, DISAPIIIIIR!!

Incessant rambles

This is the part when I can ramble about you endlessly. But again, what is the point? As I've said way way back, it is so that I won't be able to forget these memories. But again, what is the point?

Fuck words. Fuck literature. Fuck poetry. Fuck music. Fuck favorite songs. Fuck lyrics. Fuck puns. Fuck delicious things.

It is not that I am moving on, but because it is too painful to say anything, to write anything, to let alone tweet anything. It seems so pointless. In contrast to what Lupita said, my dreams are not valid. It will never be. Unless someone, somehow, would just believe that you and me are against the world. And that you are not stupid enough to think that this someone is you.

It is not that I am getting illogical, but how dare all great things fall into your place. I would be selfish to discuss things with you about you other people say, but it looks like they are right.

That would be selfish of me.
It's me.

Puro na lang ko rant. Puro na lang ko explain. Paulit-ulit na sana. Pag-ako dae mapamati, yaun ka saiya. Pag ako nagpamati ning kadikit, mahihirak ka, madigdi ka sako. Paulit-ulit. Sabihun mo gusto mo yaun kami pareho.

Again, I've made a rant entry. Now, the ball is in your court.

#feelingbvwithreasons #theusual

What is the point?

"What is the point? What is the point of anything?"
-Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy, Season 10 Episode 21

Welcome back to me. I had the most meaningful vacation back in Naga City for so many reasons. And I would like to make bullets out of them:

• I arrived at Naga weighing 176 lbs, peaked at 183 lbs and went home to Manila weighing 180 lbs. Before I left the house to go to the bus station, my mom scolded me a bit about how I came bloating up for the past months. She said I need some serious dieting, and I will take this seriously.
• I fell in love with arts again. As I was thinking about how I would start finding job, my Tita asked me how was my arts was coping and if I would still pursue it after all my job huntings. I solidly said yes, and in fact, I will be fucking directing. That moment she was asking made me fell in love with what I love all over again.
• As we were traveling from Tinambac to Goa, we witnessed an accident. And I swear, if we were earlier that time, we were the ones who could have died. Details I can't put here, because it was nerve-wrecking.
• I got totally disconnected to the online world. It feels great.

And I really think the one that highlights these all is that this 6-day vacation I had, there was something in it. And it feels good.

The First Semester Production

And today is the day that I officially skimmed through 2 scripts that will be used for the first semester production. And I spent almost the entire day brainstorming by myself. Exploring different ways on how to attack and connect these 2 plays, which apparently, are set in 2 different time frames. But anyway, I was having this rush again, of wanting to know many things, wanting to discover new concepts, on how to make these 2 plays relevant for the young audience. And to think that these are socio-political plays back in the day, how can they be socio-political plays of today?

I started by using the songs that was mentioned in the second play. And after hearing it on YouTube, I started to think how am I going to use this music and the mood of it for the play.

I started researching on the following today

Radioactive Sago Project
Philippine bands of late 1990s and 2000s
Socio-political poets
Pinoy bands of Acid jazz and jazz fusion
Lady Gaga (ok, I really need to incorporate a style she used in one of her videos)

Also, I started to think of these:

casting dancers for the play (totally not in the original script)
had an idea for what the set will look like
how the play will start and what music will be playing
how posters would look like
etc
etc
etc

So much ideas popping in my head. But of course, these are just initial brainstorming. Marami pang pwedeng magbago!

I am just too excited! Never been excited and feeling so creative!!!

Alone*

Today, I did it again. I cried watching a TV show again. Shonda did it again. :( Just watched the latest episode 9x20 of Grey's Anatomy. Though hindi naman talaga siya nakakaiyak. It's just that so much has been done on developing the character of Christina Yang and everyone at their writers' room has been doing very well in preparing her character's exit...there is no way but to be very attached to Dr Yang, at least if you are a big fan of this series.

I am so in love with Christina Yang, and I am so in love with this show. And each and every episode, it really pains me every Christina Yang scene, kasi alam kong this is one of her lasts. And really, this season is really centered on her, on finally putting a period on her character, finally making a full cycle of what a Dr. Christina Yang is.

First half of the season (ep 1-12), of course, tackled Yang and Meredith's friendship which is oks lang sakin haha. And then perhaps the last half (ep 13-24) tackled more of Yang's relationship with Owen and, you know, her being badass (Harper Avery, etc) and of being just excellent.

This scene is where I started crying. HAHA. :')

And now, this episode really broke my heart because she loses the Harper Avery award, the highest award in the field of medicine (Oscar version they say). Sakit sa puso teh. :( But of course, medyo obvious naman na matatalo siya. And her actions afterwards would really show what kind of person she is and probably how she will leave the show.

Almost every after episode, for the past months, I always like to say I will miss you Christina Yang.

:(

*Alone: episode title reference

Your blueprint

I hate to admit it but this is what concocted in my mind throughout the course of this unfortunate series of events:

You can really never say it in front me. You are scared to hurt someone that the only way to do it is to say nothing. Keep it open, keep it vague, keep it gray. And hopefully, I can just simply understand it. Because maybe you think I am that intelligent. Or, maybe, you thought, I would do anything to prove something to you, but then, I'd realize, nothing's happening... and so, I'd just stop. You planned for me to give up.

This is the worst I can think of.

You didn't say anything maybe because if anything goes wrong between you two, I am there, waiting. I could be a fallback--if that's a good description. You know why I can say it? Because you actually said Nothing. You can't even form a single sentence when both of us can't think of anything to say anymore between those drinks. You gave me looks as if to say, I don't need you because I have him. Why don't you say it upright? But we know that won't happen. So I don't look forward to it.

2 days ago, I watched Kill Your Darlings. You can research about it and you can download and watch it. It is a wonderfully made movie, based on a true story, about a poet named Allen Ginsberg (Daniel Radcliffe) who was part of the Beat Generation, a group of poets in the earlier days. In this group was a man he met named Lucien (Dane DeHaan). I swear you've got to watch this so that you can understand what I am going to say.

Basically, Ginsberg fell in love with Lucien because they shared passion, vision and the future. But then, throughout the course of the movie, Lucien happened to be using him. He used a number of people, to attain his own vision and wants maybe because he can't do it himself. There was a powerful scene there that I really want you to see (so I recommend you to watch the movie, torrent it or something) because this scene really made me sad, and depressed, and all I thought about is my relationship with you. Who am I to you?

In the scene was Ginsberg and Lucien sitting on the grass one night, kind of drunk. And then they looked at each other and it was as if they understood their mutual feelings, and so they kissed. But when a friend came to them, and invited them to go somewhere else, Lucien said Ginsberg couldn't come because he was "supposed" to do something, a 10-page paper due the next morning.

And so, the next scene was Ginsberg doing that requirement he "has" to do. And he was crying. And I think you have to watch the next scene after that. I can't spoil it to you.

And as Ginsberg was crying, That Is What I Felt.

To understand what I'm saying, I think you really, really have to watch those scenes and the scenes after that... Kung anong naramdaman ko ngayon sa pagsusulat nito, ganoon din ang naramdaman ko habang nagsusulat si Ginsberg. Such a statement this movie has given me.

If you want to watch it, you can torrent it here: http://yts.re/movie/Kill_Your_Darlings_2013

I am just terribly sad.

Run It Out

I can't ask.
I can't know where you've been.
I can't know what you do.
Maybe because I can't take it.

Laki ng problema ko. :( And I'm really sorry if for the next days, next months, ganito ako ka emotional. I'm sorry if what you see from here are all about sadness, longing, etc. You've practically consumed all of me. And I am not asking you to do anything.

Today, I really tried to make myself busy. Because I need to think of something else. I really tried to relax my mind. To go out at night and jog alone around Ateneo for an hour. Para mabawasan yung bigat. Pero habang tumatakbo ako, nandoon ka pa rin. Nandoon ka sa dulo kung saan ako nakatingin, nandoon ka sa red brick roads. Nandoon ka sa bawat sulok na madilim. And while I keep on running, I can't seem to keep up with you. Hanggang sa naglalakad na lang ako. Mag-iisang oras na. Ang supposedly Bellarmine field route ko ay napunta sa high school. Nag-sprint na ako (na 'di ko ginagawa). I actually liked it; I felt the rushing sound while on a woosh sa carpark ng high school. And then I suddenly stopped. "This doesn't help," I said to myself. [Novel ang peg hehe]

I honestly don't know what to do...to myself. Sobrang Eat, Pray, Love lang. :( I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. Buti na lang I get inspired by people who were also running/jogging. There were moments na iniimagine ko na lang kung sino ba sila, kung bakit sila tumatakbo sa gabi, anong goal nila, anong balak nila, may pinapapogi-an ba sila o pinapagandahan, are they sad, happy, hurt, etc etc etc.

I am just one of them.

UNPUBLISHED

This post is supposed to be unpublished and hindi ko natapos. Pero parang wala nang sense tapusin. I have made my point...
NO NEGA FEELINGS, JUST WANTED TO POST THIS :D

Original post starts here-----

I am dropping this once and for all.

First, I hate the fact na kailangan ko tong isulat kasi alam kong hinding hindi ko to masasabi sa personal. Di ko to kayang bitawan, itong mga isusulat ko. Too much thoughts para sabihin sa isang conversation. I hate it na mag eexplain pa ako (kasi baka yun yung negative/turn off sakin). I have to explain a lot. I have to rationalize. I have to understand the black and the white. I have to know this and that. This has been clear from the very start. I need explanations. And I have a very valid reason for it.

Trust.

Trust, which I happened to defy. Most of my actions for the past 14 months are circling around the idea of trust. I have broken trust with my friend. And since then, I became a bit of a paranoid because of trust issues. This has been the reason, Deli. I know myself. I perfectly know myself. And I know my strengths, my weaknesses, where I am good at, where I am bad at. And lastly, I know that, from the very start, I actually don't need to much of an explanation. I am actually a happy-go-lucky person. Hanggang ngayon pa rin naman. I don't think too much on problems. I don't think too much on things I entrust to other people. I easily believe my friends. I trust them. I have faith in them. And that's what makes me easy to talk to. Nasa miting de avance ko yan. Madali akong kausap. Kasi nagtitiwala ako. I can come up with something both of us can agree with.

But this past 14 months have been rough on me regarding trust issues. First, I had actions against it. Nag-sorry na ako deep inside. Hindi ko lang magawa sa personal. Hindi ko pa kaya. But I regretted it. I simply do. And for the next months, I have been very vocal to my close friends na ayoko sa mga infidel, sa mga nagsisinungaling, sa mga unfaithful.

That is why it seems like I always need an explanation. I get paranoid. I always think every minute of every day if what you are saying is true, or what others are saying is true. I changed a lot. I feel like people are talking behind my back (na dapat alam ko naman na kung bakit nila ginagawa yun). I feel like I don't have to believe in people I talk to anymore.

pouring out

Hi blog! This has been one crazy week! And honestly, I think I can't write about it. Too tired to think. Siguro mga bits and pieces lang pag naalala ko.

Here I am listening to Lady Gaga's very first album, RED AND BLUE, noong hindi pa sya si Lady Gaga, noong may band pa sya na Stefani Germanotta Band. Red and Blue was their EP. And yes, she had a very different style, parang Avril Lavigne na may pagka Yeng Constantino. Neat! <3

Anyway, kakauwi ko lang kanina from PBCo, tambay with Timmy and PJ, while reading the script for first sem prod and reading the latest Lady Gaga book I bought yesterday. Also, we decided to push through Sinulog 2015. Baka magbook na kami sa May, go Entachu! <3

Honestly, I am so down today na pinipilit ko lang maging jolly. I feel sick, or I feel sad, or ewan. Hehe. Bahala na. :D Medyo badtrip pa parents ko kasi nagback out roommate ko so mas mahal na babayaran. :(

Oh well. Kaya ni.

And you I really want to see you. Like talk to you. Talk lang Hehe. Kahit walang drink. Kahit walang kainin. Basta I want to talk with you about random stuff. About many things about me and you. Sana maulit yun. OK na ako ngayon. It is the consequence of being alone. Of finding new things to explore. But I want an endless talk.

:)

Correct me if I'm wrong :(

NOTHING is worse than a NO. That can be the most proper statement I can say If I am going to talk about learning what life is all about. Fine, I failed. Fine, I have perfected something. Fine, I got low marks. Fine, I got high marks. Fine, someone commended me. Fine, I was criticized. Fine, they really like what I did. But, one thing I learned, and I'm pretty much sure it is the hardest part, is to get nothing.

So correct me if I'm wrong. Correct me if I am supposed to wait. Because what I see right now is something that makes me judge myself, makes me think that I am a real waste here. It makes me think na ako na naman ang patapon, isinisiksik ang sarili ko sa mga bagay-bagay. Nothing is worse than a No.

Don't think of this as something being demanded. Medyo nakaka-mindfuck lang. Hindi ako ginagamit lang at iiwan lang basta. Mindfuck legit. And it saddens me for real. :( I need enlightenment.

PS: Sobrang pointless ng previous blog posts ko because of this though. :(

Lalala.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, nag-fanboy na naman ako kay Lady Gaga. What is happening to me? I happened to watched 2 very old interviews of her sa YouTube, and can I just say sobrang I connect with this woman, she is my spirit animal, too. Huhu. And while watching those interviews, I got one of her biographies I bought long ago, and started scanning them and reading some parts of them. What is fanatic?

Oh well, nothing much to say. Actually, more of speechless. Can't say anything about what happened to me for the past 24 hours... -.- Lalala.

I wanna be...

"I just stopped and I focused 150% of my energy on my happiness, on what do you want to do. What is it that you really want? How do you explain to your friends and your mother and everyone, "I'm a singer... I want to be a singer."? What do you mean you want to be a singer? Do you sing in the shower? You know, there is no way to convince people of your greatness. You have to know on the inside whether you want to do advertising, or you want to be in finance, or you want to be a waitress, or a bartender, whatever it is that you want to be, you have to know it inside and knife-fight your way to your dream."

-Lady Gaga, The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Season 1 Episode 2

Oh, the things I find on the internet. This morning, I am very much fanboying over Lady Gaga because I feel like it. For the past 4 years, she has been my biggest inspiration. Thanks to KLF, he exudes this large appreciation for the singer that time that I have come to do it as well.

After my graduation, last week, there were moments where I just sat quietly, thinking what I have done in my entire college life, and then suddenly, there is this voice telling me that something is not just right. There has to be more. And for the past 4 days, I've been alone in my apartment, hibernating, not going out...and it becomes more evident. I feel like being enclosed in a jar surrounded by an undiscovered talent and greatness and skills and all the other stuff I want to try. And then I found this interview of hers. And it struck me.

How would you explain to your friends and to your parents what you really want to be? How would you say that you don't really want what you were doing for the past years, that you may want to get out of it? Sometimes, I get really confident that someday, I can do great things, to be a fine engineer, to be someone who inspires other students, other young ones. Sometimes, I feel like this has to be the path, that I have chosen this and this path is very clear to me. And then all of a sudden, I just realize that I am thinking this way all because I have started it already way before.

"Sayang" is what they always say. I finished. I am a complete project. And if I change track... sayang. But should it be a reason? I always think about it.

I really appreciate my older friends and mentors who can really balance their day jobs and what they are really passionate about. I do appreciate. And it crossed my mind to follow their path. But I just don't want to. I want a 100% sureness in me. I don't want to work during the day, thinking about tonight, feeling excited on what I really want to do after work. I want to be excited on my work, my job.

I can talk about this on and on and on. And it really boils down to the fact that I am a late-bloomer. And this is an entirely different story. My point is: I am so confused right now. I don't know the next step. I don't know what is the level-up for me. I feel like my identity is not yet complete. There has to be more.

PS: I will definitely write more about this soon.

What's in store for me...

This pretty much is it. Konting convincing powers na lang ng mga tao, icoconfirm ko na! Hopefully, I'd be doing something in the next months something I did 4 years ago. It is something na hindi ko masyadong gustong gawin kasi sobrang stressful, but hey, this is one big challenge for me. But then again, konting convincing powers pa. Haha, kailangan ko pang i-make sure kung gagawin ko ba talaga to. This is one hell of a big job. First stint as an alumnus. Bahala na po ika Lord. :)

And habang kinukundisyon ko pa ang sarili if I would take this opportunity, some things to work on:
1. freaking start studying for September boards.
2. find a freaking job, not just to earn something, but to find purpose in life (daming alam haha)
3. wag na magpakababoy, tamang kain lang haha

Go, 3 more quarters of 2014!
Mejo fail yung first quarter though. Dami kasing inarte sa buhay :))

<3

Update for readers haha

I am feeling so weak right now. Apart from not being able to make my nightly rituals, for the first time, i am blogging through my phone. Edi sana kung nandito pa yung ipad ko, doon na lang ako magsusulat. Pero i really want to write something but im too weak right now i can't type on my desk. At dahil mukhang magkakalagnat ako (but im confident it wont push through) nakahiga na ako ready to sleep. Feels refreshing to sleep early at nakapagbasa pa ako ng ilang pages from the book i bought yesterday Eat Pray Love. At nakapanood din ako ng past episodes ng greys anatomy. Ang saya ko lang na bata haha.
I hope for better days ahead.
Ps: ang ingay ng kapitbahay namin na bago. As in legit. Nag iinuman sila sa labas right now...

Posted via Blogaway

Turn Around

"If you love someone you tell them
Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing,
Even if you're scared that it will cause problems,
Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground.
You say it and you say it loud
And then you go from there."
- Mark Sloan, Grey's Anatomy, Season 9 Episode 2

Oh God this series keeps me alive in so many ways. Thank you Shonda Rhimes. If ever I am in another life, I would be part of this wonderful characters created. :')

Explosion

Weirdest dream to date! :(

I was in an apartment just beside Empire State building (I remember there was a time na gusto ko talagang magkaroon ng apartment sa New York once I work na :D ). It was night time around 9pm siguro and I was doing something, probably working at home, then while I was talking to a friend sa phone, I was looking at the window, when suddenly a high tower similar to the old twin towers was crushed by an airplane. Just like 9/11, yes just like 9/11. The impact was so intense na ang laki ng radius na natamaan sa buong city. Luckily my apartment which is beside the Empire State was safe.

Not knowing what to do, I called my mom, who happened to be also in New York. Panic struck me because I knew she was somewhere near that tower. When I called her, she can't speak very well. And I think she needs help. I asked her where she was. I asked her what's the address. She told me, but I can't hear it clearly...something like FVC building or something like that. And so, I look for her location thru some online map where it indicates her cellphone location. It was pretty much near the explosion and the building was also ruined I think.

I hurried up to her. But suddenly I was in another ruined building with a father and a child. I don't who they were. I helped the son who I think was injured.

Then... I was awake. Never saw my mom in my dream.

This is so freaking weird.

Final Thoughts

You just can't have both.

I can feel the intention. Of bringing back the friendship. But if you deliberately make it clear that I can't be with you, then sorry, I can't be with you guys at all. Too painful. Too wretched for the gang to function again. To scarred for the friendships to work again.

Siguro in 5 years, in 10 years, ok na. Bahala na.

But just not now.

I made a huge mistake. Not this mistake of loving a wonderful person like you. But of not thinking before acting.

Now if you would risk to bring back the old times, I'm sorry I can't give that. It's too soon.

I am ready for a talk.

:'(

I cried again because of a television show, this time, How I Met Your Mother naman. Hay. I arrived kanina (pakaconyo :)) ) dito sa dorm nang mag-isa so I decided to download the last episode and watch it. Kahit hindi na ako masyadong nakakasubaybay, ok pa rin naman ata ung knowledge ko since napanood ko na mga until season 5 hehe.

I downloaded the last 2 episodes na ipinalabas lang today. And damn, hindi naman ganoon ka finale feel yung finale niya. Naiyak lang talaga ako for Robin Scherbatsky :( I won't spoil anything pero one thing I can say, naiyak ako kasi nakita ko ang sarili ko kay Robin, sa lahat ng pinagdaanan niya. At nung patapos na yung last episode, so much feelings yung feeling ko pinagdadaanan ni Robin. Ugh. Medyo mahaheartbreak ako kung tumanda akong parang si Robin.

So yun mejo maga pa yung mata ko nang dumating si roommate and another friend. Mejo affected lang talaga ako. And YOU have to watch that episode if you haven't. Lalo na yung last episode, especially the Lily-Robin scene, and the very last scene. Mejo nakakaiyak ugh.

Goodbye HIMYM.

High School Post Series #1: What Makes Me Remember You.

Ewan, bigla na lang lumutang sa isip ko ang mga bagay-bagay na 'to, dahil siguro sa sobrang ikaw na ata iniisip ko for the past week!!! Baket baket! Lalalala. Actually may theory talaga ako kung bakit. Pero, bago ko sabihin yung theory na yun, let me first say this: since halos ikaw lang naman ata ang nagbabasa nito from 1700, (haha) edi magsusulat na lang ako na parang ikaw yung kausap ko. :)) Tutal, 'di rin naman kita makausap in reality (noon, dahil baka mahampas kita ng bakal, hanggang ngayon, kasi baka halikan kita bigla (ay)). So game?

My theory is this: nagsimula 'to nung nag karaoke kami ni ano. HAHAHA. Tama kaya ako? Mejo tama eh. It all starts with this. :)) Simula nung araw na yon sunud sunod na yung mga naririnig kong mga kung ano ano. HAHA. oh well.

Pero ito talaga yung gusto kong ikwento dito sa post na to:

Mga bagay na nagpapaalala sa'yo… AHEHEHE.

1. Every single time (as in every single time) na inaalis ko yung stick sa kahit na anong barbecue, mapa chicken man yan or yung normal barbecue, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember you. As in habang iniikot ko yung stick para lumuwag siya tapos hihilahin ko na yung stick, that makes me remember you. Ikaw lang ata any genius na kilala kong gumagawa noon. Consequently, iyon lang ata ang ikina-genius mo more than loving a person faithfully (joke lang!)

2. Whenever Neck Tie comes into topic, ikaw na agad naaalala ko. Pero recent lang to. Kasi way before, alam naman nating may fetish ako sa neck tie. Pero recently, when it comes to neck tie, you pop into my mind. As in parang may nagffloat talaga na bubble sa ulo ko, with your pa-cute (na cute naman siguro talaga) face in it. AHEHEHE. Lalo na yung silver/greyish tie. Yun yon eh.

3. Whenever WICKED is the topic, NAAALALA KITA. DI KO ALAM KUNG BAKIT. Paki explain please. Baka kasi you are so wicked--sama mo na tao. hahaha. Or baka kasi nanood ka ng Wicked tapos di ko alam kung bat ka nanood ng ganun kamahal. Siguro may pumilit sago. or baka may kasama ka. hahaha. joke lang ulit.

4. DOWNY. HAHAHA. I swear, kapag matutulog na ako tapos nakahiga na ako then maaamoy ko yung unan na amoy Downy, ikaw naaalala ko. Puta. Lalo na pag nag oovernight ako sa Ate ko, (fyi andito ako ngayon sa kanila, so most likely maaalala ko to), amoy Downy eh. Amoy ikaw putangina. Yung tipong di ako makatulog kasi either maiirita ako kasi naalala kita, or more recently, mapapasmile na lang ako kasi nga naalala kita, or kasi talagang mabango lang siya. UGH.

5. The song Between The Raindrops. Need I explain? Kasi ikaw na to eh. Kanta ko to sayo eh hayop.

6. The song How To Save A Life. Pakinggan mo ng malaman mo kung bakit. Alam mo ba isang gabi, naghuhugas ako ng pinggan sa 502 kasi wala na ako magawa, tapos naka loop lang yung kanta tapos humahagulgol ako kasi nagrereflect ako sa life ko. Tapos pag nag chorus na sobrang lakas ng iyak ko kasi naaalala ko ang lahat. Ganon ako kasaklap…in a very fashionable way. Tangina. Buti na lang, nagsawa na ako di na ako gaanong naiiyak, thanks God.

7. Pasinaya. Putang ina. Joke hahaha. I hate Pasinaya 2014. Joke. Na hindi. Hehe. :|

8. Tang Orange Juice. Kasi ipinagtimpla ako nito noon ng kapatid mo. And after that, pag may nagtitimpla ng Tang, naaalala ko yung room ninyo. (pati na rin yung room ng parents mo, hihihi)

9. Si Eg del Rosario. Kasi kaapelyido mo siya. Yun lang wala nang iba.

10. Notifications. Kasi recently pag may notification sa twitter, ikaw naaalala ko kasi baka ikaw yun. OK BYE. HAHA…

Actually pinaabot ko lang talagang 10 reasons para creative. Para Top 10. Pero yung iba jan pilit. HEHE. Eh pilit na rin naman lahat eh edi ganun na haha joke.

Pero di nga. BAKET GANTO MGA POST KO. mga patweetums. this is suicide. cause alam ko namang I'm living in my own fantasy world. ugh.

O yan makakatulog na ako. Nakacreate na naman ako ng babasahin mo bago matulog bwahaha. ok na ako. hahahaha. #GoodnightWorld.

Of all the people, I don't know why it is you...

Today, I made very important realizations…if it even makes sense. I realised that I can love you from afar. I realised that I can be happy for you from afar. But most important of all, I realised that I want you more than I will ever need you.

I can survive without you. But it will never change how I wanted, or how I will ever want you. You make me struggle just to be with you. Or just to have the thought of being with you.

I never felt happier than today. I don't know exactly why. Pero masyado na ata akong nag-iisip ng mga bagay na ito for the past year. And maybe because I am too tired to think about it the only next thing that could happen is to just be happy. Let it flow. Let it roll right off my shoulders (lyrics!?).

Again, my feelings are all just the same. Kayang kaya kitang mahalin from afar. But this time, I still believe. I know what I want, and I know that it is you and with you. Still.

Nandito lang ako po. :) Take it or leave it. HEHE.

DAMI KO ALAM PLEASE. PWEDE WAG PA HIGH SCHOOL UNG MGA BINABLOG KO!? :))

Fools

Dahil ilang araw ko na siyang pinapatugtog nang paulit-ulit!!! <3 Tumutugtog sila sa Under The Stars (na di ko pinuntahan, 'cause why would I!?) And narinig ko lang na pinatugtog ng roommate ko... and I instantly loved it! :)

https://soundcloud.com/theransomcollective/foolssingle

Para sayo yan.

Recent On Loops :))
1. Fools - The Ransom Collective
2. The Way It Used To Be - Mike Posner
3. G.U.Y. - Lady Gaga
4. Raging Fire - Phillip Phillips

Random musings for the day:

-Didn't attend the Baccalaureate, unang una sa lahat dahil wala pa parents ko, so wala ako kasama. And I really didn't plan on going. Mag-isa na naman ako sa dorm :)) Excited for later, kumpleto na naman kaming buong pamilya! :D
-Nagbago na interface ng FB ko. Parang mobile na siya :)) Which I like.
-So parang pang high school blog post ang peg ng post na to :))
-OK bye.

Putangnamopolis

Ok so im deliberately writing this post because i cannot contain myself. Whyyy. Why now. Why do i feel this way. Sobrang labo lang. You know and i know i dont care for quite a long time. But why do i feel this way now. Sobrang wtf lang. This space i have, this 303am, is my safe haven. So i really think this is the only way i can send the message to you. I know, you know, we both know that you read this.

I miss you badly. And i hate that i may be receiving wrong signals...

How are you? How is your life?

Whats with the recent thought you are sharing???

I get confuse because i smile when i read them.

Answer me or at least tell a story.

Putangnamoka!

A strong expression that can be positive or negative.

Pero positive eh. Putangnamoka, you make me check your account.

Putangnamoka, you let me think about you at times. Recently, at least.

Putangnamoka, why you do this.

Putangnamoka, :).

You better figure out yourself, or else, this blog might just vanish.

Ps. Once again, i get jealous for no apparent reason... Ugh.

Fragment 2

Based on the last movie I watched in the theater, we reunite with people we loved so much from the past for particular reasons. And for this particular movie, the protagonists reunited for the long waited closure the two deserve. Luckily, for me, that moment has not arrived yet. I cannot see any closure im the near future as well. It feels like there should not be. For almost three months now, I have been quiet. I talk to close friends, to roommates, to wise friends, just to check that I am on the right track, to check if I am sane enough to move on...or something like that. But of course, it is very hard. Always, there is this cringing feeling of hope, of many what-ifs. And I sometimes think, maybe I could make these what-ifs, when.

"'Yang hope na yan, nakakalason. Parang drugs, nakakaadik."

-That friend of the protagonist from the movie

Sucks that everytime I try to be in good terms with moving on, there is always a thought popping in my mind...that in some ways, the world is trying to do something for me to not move on and hope again. That this person will come back. I always hope for the best. And at the end of this daydreaming, I realize again that I should move on. Stupid cycle.

"Kung masaya ka, okey na ako."

I tweeted.

That is the best I can give. If you are happy, then I am for you. There is nothing I can do more to make you happier if you already are.

But sometimes, I would really like to ask you, "are you?" It is a long shot. But what if? :( What if you are not really happy and I might just give you that. Bahala na.

FRAGMENT 2:

It was the day I learned that you slept with him last night. It was literally painful, but who am I to be mad, to need an explanation. I am no one between you. And I have no right to say anything against you. And so I decided to clear things. We met at the field. Talked a lot. Talked about saying goodbye. Cried. We cried both. Cleared things and decided to be just friends. Those hugs of yours, I would really never forget. Did you know you are the first person who hugs me like that? Practically you are the first. But I was never yours. And you were never mine. It is the sad part. We were but we were not even. You made me feel a lot of beautiful things...who am I to tell the world about it? It was a mistake. A mistake I fully regretted, but the feeling made me not.

How Can Someone Make Me Not Believe In Love?

The time has come to let go of all the memories. I may not remember all the good and bad things that happened but there are some that will forever be stuck in my mind. And to the ones I will forget, it's time to put them into words. The damage has been done. Love has been felt. And all are just fragments of memories.

What if that one question was not asked? What if I never even answered it. It turned into a chain of events that are uncontrollable, emotions that cannot be unfelt. I can only imagine.

FRAGMENT #1:

Noong nasa dormitoryo pa ako, lumipat ako galing sa dati kong silid kasama ang tatlo ko pang roommates. Lumipat ako sa isang mas maliit na silid, pag-isahan lang. Para sa mga natitira kong araw bilang isang college student, gusto kong mapag-isa. Una, iniwan ko sila kasi hindi ko naman talaga sila makasalamuha. Pangalawa, I have always wanted my own room sa college. And it was the perfect time. Same floor, same corridor, but a different room. Excited na excited pa ako noon kasi, sa wakas, mag-isa na ako sa room, pwede ko nang gawin kahit anong gusto kong gawin.

Isang buong araw akong naglipat ng gamit habang wala ang mga roommates ko. Nakakahiya naman kung maabutan nila ako, kasi baka isipin nila na ayaw na ayaw ko sa kanila. It's best if magugulat na lang sila na lumipat na ako ng silid.

Una gabi ko sa bagong silid. Sobrang sikip, hindi ako makahinga. Parang lahat ng kasalanan ko, nakikita ko sa bawat sulok ng silid na 'yon. Nakaka-suffocate. Mainit. Hindi ko inasahan na mababanas ako sa bago kong silid. Unang gabi. Na-miss ko ang ingay ng roommates ko, na hindi ko naman pinapakialaman. Namiss ko na may kinaiinisan akong mga bagay paggabi sa dati kong silid: ingay nila, mga problema nila, mga pinagtatawanan nila, habang ako'y nakahiga sa kama ko, nagkukunwaring pagod at tulog.

Lumabas ako ng silid dahil hindi ko na kinakaya. Masyadong mainit. Mas malamig pa sa labas, sabay inaamoy yung simoy ng hanging dumadaan sa likod ng Gesu. Tinawagan kita, and all I ever needed was someone who can make me calm those moments. Bago ko narinig ang boses mo, naaalala ko lahat ng kasalanang ginagawa ko with you. I felt suffocated. Sinasakal ako ng mga masasamang bagay na ginawa ko. But then I heard your voice, and everything was OK. You may not think it is, but yes, everything went OK.