Your blueprint

I hate to admit it but this is what concocted in my mind throughout the course of this unfortunate series of events:

You can really never say it in front me. You are scared to hurt someone that the only way to do it is to say nothing. Keep it open, keep it vague, keep it gray. And hopefully, I can just simply understand it. Because maybe you think I am that intelligent. Or, maybe, you thought, I would do anything to prove something to you, but then, I'd realize, nothing's happening... and so, I'd just stop. You planned for me to give up.

This is the worst I can think of.

You didn't say anything maybe because if anything goes wrong between you two, I am there, waiting. I could be a fallback--if that's a good description. You know why I can say it? Because you actually said Nothing. You can't even form a single sentence when both of us can't think of anything to say anymore between those drinks. You gave me looks as if to say, I don't need you because I have him. Why don't you say it upright? But we know that won't happen. So I don't look forward to it.

2 days ago, I watched Kill Your Darlings. You can research about it and you can download and watch it. It is a wonderfully made movie, based on a true story, about a poet named Allen Ginsberg (Daniel Radcliffe) who was part of the Beat Generation, a group of poets in the earlier days. In this group was a man he met named Lucien (Dane DeHaan). I swear you've got to watch this so that you can understand what I am going to say.

Basically, Ginsberg fell in love with Lucien because they shared passion, vision and the future. But then, throughout the course of the movie, Lucien happened to be using him. He used a number of people, to attain his own vision and wants maybe because he can't do it himself. There was a powerful scene there that I really want you to see (so I recommend you to watch the movie, torrent it or something) because this scene really made me sad, and depressed, and all I thought about is my relationship with you. Who am I to you?

In the scene was Ginsberg and Lucien sitting on the grass one night, kind of drunk. And then they looked at each other and it was as if they understood their mutual feelings, and so they kissed. But when a friend came to them, and invited them to go somewhere else, Lucien said Ginsberg couldn't come because he was "supposed" to do something, a 10-page paper due the next morning.

And so, the next scene was Ginsberg doing that requirement he "has" to do. And he was crying. And I think you have to watch the next scene after that. I can't spoil it to you.

And as Ginsberg was crying, That Is What I Felt.

To understand what I'm saying, I think you really, really have to watch those scenes and the scenes after that... Kung anong naramdaman ko ngayon sa pagsusulat nito, ganoon din ang naramdaman ko habang nagsusulat si Ginsberg. Such a statement this movie has given me.

If you want to watch it, you can torrent it here: http://yts.re/movie/Kill_Your_Darlings_2013

I am just terribly sad.