UNPUBLISHED

This post is supposed to be unpublished and hindi ko natapos. Pero parang wala nang sense tapusin. I have made my point...
NO NEGA FEELINGS, JUST WANTED TO POST THIS :D

Original post starts here-----

I am dropping this once and for all.

First, I hate the fact na kailangan ko tong isulat kasi alam kong hinding hindi ko to masasabi sa personal. Di ko to kayang bitawan, itong mga isusulat ko. Too much thoughts para sabihin sa isang conversation. I hate it na mag eexplain pa ako (kasi baka yun yung negative/turn off sakin). I have to explain a lot. I have to rationalize. I have to understand the black and the white. I have to know this and that. This has been clear from the very start. I need explanations. And I have a very valid reason for it.

Trust.

Trust, which I happened to defy. Most of my actions for the past 14 months are circling around the idea of trust. I have broken trust with my friend. And since then, I became a bit of a paranoid because of trust issues. This has been the reason, Deli. I know myself. I perfectly know myself. And I know my strengths, my weaknesses, where I am good at, where I am bad at. And lastly, I know that, from the very start, I actually don't need to much of an explanation. I am actually a happy-go-lucky person. Hanggang ngayon pa rin naman. I don't think too much on problems. I don't think too much on things I entrust to other people. I easily believe my friends. I trust them. I have faith in them. And that's what makes me easy to talk to. Nasa miting de avance ko yan. Madali akong kausap. Kasi nagtitiwala ako. I can come up with something both of us can agree with.

But this past 14 months have been rough on me regarding trust issues. First, I had actions against it. Nag-sorry na ako deep inside. Hindi ko lang magawa sa personal. Hindi ko pa kaya. But I regretted it. I simply do. And for the next months, I have been very vocal to my close friends na ayoko sa mga infidel, sa mga nagsisinungaling, sa mga unfaithful.

That is why it seems like I always need an explanation. I get paranoid. I always think every minute of every day if what you are saying is true, or what others are saying is true. I changed a lot. I feel like people are talking behind my back (na dapat alam ko naman na kung bakit nila ginagawa yun). I feel like I don't have to believe in people I talk to anymore.