"I just stopped and I focused 150% of my energy on my happiness, on what do you want to do. What is it that you really want? How do you explain to your friends and your mother and everyone, "I'm a singer... I want to be a singer."? What do you mean you want to be a singer? Do you sing in the shower? You know, there is no way to convince people of your greatness. You have to know on the inside whether you want to do advertising, or you want to be in finance, or you want to be a waitress, or a bartender, whatever it is that you want to be, you have to know it inside and knife-fight your way to your dream."
-Lady Gaga, The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Season 1 Episode 2
Oh, the things I find on the internet. This morning, I am very much fanboying over Lady Gaga because I feel like it. For the past 4 years, she has been my biggest inspiration. Thanks to KLF, he exudes this large appreciation for the singer that time that I have come to do it as well.
After my graduation, last week, there were moments where I just sat quietly, thinking what I have done in my entire college life, and then suddenly, there is this voice telling me that something is not just right. There has to be more. And for the past 4 days, I've been alone in my apartment, hibernating, not going out...and it becomes more evident. I feel like being enclosed in a jar surrounded by an undiscovered talent and greatness and skills and all the other stuff I want to try. And then I found this interview of hers. And it struck me.
How would you explain to your friends and to your parents what you really want to be? How would you say that you don't really want what you were doing for the past years, that you may want to get out of it? Sometimes, I get really confident that someday, I can do great things, to be a fine engineer, to be someone who inspires other students, other young ones. Sometimes, I feel like this has to be the path, that I have chosen this and this path is very clear to me. And then all of a sudden, I just realize that I am thinking this way all because I have started it already way before.
"Sayang" is what they always say. I finished. I am a complete project. And if I change track... sayang. But should it be a reason? I always think about it.
I really appreciate my older friends and mentors who can really balance their day jobs and what they are really passionate about. I do appreciate. And it crossed my mind to follow their path. But I just don't want to. I want a 100% sureness in me. I don't want to work during the day, thinking about tonight, feeling excited on what I really want to do after work. I want to be excited on my work, my job.
I can talk about this on and on and on. And it really boils down to the fact that I am a late-bloomer. And this is an entirely different story. My point is: I am so confused right now. I don't know the next step. I don't know what is the level-up for me. I feel like my identity is not yet complete. There has to be more.
PS: I will definitely write more about this soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment