Where did I go wrong?

As I write this, How To Save A Life is currently playing. Aside from its connection with Grey’s Anatomy and all its feelings, this song really makes me so emotional in times like this, especially now that it’s as if all my memories with him are turning back into life again.

We just came home from buying groceries and straddling at the mall. After my mom and sister bought some clothing, we bumped with my aunt and cousin. After some chitchat, my aunt said that they would pass by Oxygen and check some stuff for my cousin. After hearing the word Oxygen, everything turned into excitement within me. Actually, before bumping into my aunt, and even while my mom and sister were fitting clothes, I was thinking if there was an Oxygen stall in the mall. But probably because I was so lazy at that time, I erased it in my mind. You see, Oxygen has something to do with him.

When my sister was about to pay for the clothes they chose, she asked me if I want something as a gift from her. I said never mind, I really don’t need anything as of the moment. But once I heard my aunt said that they would pass by Oxygen, I knew perfectly I want as a gift… Once my aunt and cousin left, I looked for the Oxygen stall, looked for the perfume section, and there it was: the GAS. I immediately got the Tester perfume and sprayed a bit on my wrist, and then touched it with my other wrist to spread the fluid. And then I smelled it… AND THAT WAS WHAT I WAS LONGING TO SMELL FOR A VERY LONG TIME. THAT SMELL. L

May I just say that How To Save A Life playing really helps me a lot in writing this. All the feelings. L Anyway, as I was smelling it through my hands, and as I budge my sister to buy it for me, ALL THE MEMORIES CAME INTO FLASH. I seriously missed him. I wanted to smell him again. I want to see that shy smile. That face. That eyeglasses. That polo shirt he was always wearing. That hairstyle he always had. That body bag he always wears.

I missed the moments I had with him. I miss when we watched a play together, and I asked for his perfume because something was really smelling bad—the first time I smelled his perfume, the time I discovered that it was just a perfume and not his normal body smell. I miss it when we were washing costumes in my dorm. I miss it that I bought him milk tea, because he gave me once, also. I miss that he gave me shirt—and up until now I haven’t really worn it comfortably because it doesn’t really fit me. I miss it that we kissed at 3:03am during the Production Party. I miss him like this. I could go on and on and on writing about him again and again. But it doesn’t change the fact the he doesn’t like me anymore. Or he didn’t like me at all? (Now, Where did I go wrong? fits here. J)

Because I really miss him so much right now, I even texted him. I just said ‘Happy Holidays!’. No reply at all. Well, it’s OK. I’m fine with that. I am not expecting any friendship or even a tiny bit relationship or connection with him. It’s just that I really feel sad to the fact that, once, I had promised myself that I would wait for him—until I graduate. That he would be my man after I study. Now, it seems very impossible.

Many people have come after him—crushes, loves, or whatever. I cried because of a man after him, but after all this time, it is still HIM. L

No I wonder, when I will ever again write about him. This is so incredible. To fall in love with writing about him.

Third Villarey

December 28, 2012

10:03pm, Villarey’s Residence J

Sinking Feeling

There is this time again that I have to think over my life. All of its perspectives are turning down once more. I feel devastated with my grades, I feel empty and all the feels are on moratorium as well, and economically we are starving to death. I always have this philosophy in blogging that I only write something if it really strikes me--if I think I have so much to say that I could talk about something endlessly. This might be a proper time. I feel so alone and down these days--in so many aspects. Even though no one notices it, things bother me a looot.

Last night I spent my night in Starbucks for almost 5 hours and did practically nothing. And in those 5 hours, with casual watching of Grey's Anatomy old episodes, I've come to think about a lot. Kept on realizing things. I went home by walking, and in that 20-minute walk, I talked to myself. Literally. Speaking loudly while walking alone. Telling stories to myself. (Really amazing how fluent I speak in English when Im alone. Trust me, only when I'm alone I can do that). I've been really internally emotional for the past days. And I don't know if it's good or not.

First, there is this new friend of mine. I first met (not really met, but the first time I saw) him on a friend's debut, a couple of months ago, I think. He was kind of attractive but haven't had the time to think about it because I was really into another guy for the past month, if you know who I am talking about. :P Anyway, our common friend said he was good at memorizing names of many people instantly. And when the party was about to end, we almost all of the guests left already, they let him recite the names of all the people that was there (yes, our common friend already told him our names earlier) And surprisingly, he did it well and was able to call us by our names. But it's really weird when he paused for a while when he was about to say my name... he thought of name. He forgot it. Annoying. But I didn't really care, I mean didn't even know him.

(you know what, Im tired typing, so imma continue this entry next time. i promise)

The Happiness Project

The three dance workshop days were finally done and all of us have aching legs, abdomens and entire bodies. After these rehearsals, we will be resuming for dance and music rehearsals a month later. Ang haba ng gap. And because of that, our choreographer left us with simple daily routines to keep in shape. But I doubt whether I can keep up to that. For the past 2 days, I ate many of chocolate cookies, and ate bacon with a plentyful of rice. I even got loads of pizza after our performance in the Ateneo Law School, as part of celebrating the 40th anniversary of the declaration of Martial Law here in the Philippines.

Anyway, my body ache is slowly disappearing. And we, students, should be back on track preparing ourselves for our finals.

Meanwhile, as part of my boredom and since I was really craving to buy a book--any kind of book for this matter--I decided to buy The Happiness Project One-Sentence Journal: A Five-Year Record. After going through all the books in Fully Booked Katipunan, I finally ended up being so ecstatic to buy this cute little blue journal that I would be keeping for the next 5 years! This is where you, daily, write a single sentence. This was made because the author thought it is too daunting to write a journal entry so long every day. At least here, you can easily make a day memorable, and once you go back on a random day, this one sentence can easily bring you back the memories. And so, I bought a book today!

This morning, I should have gone to EDSA Shrine to conduct an interview there for our pre-final video for Political Science. But then, we realized we did not have a video camera available. And, so we postponed the interview to tomorrow. Anyway, I would just like to post an entry now because I really am so happy with my new one-sentence journal. Now, it keeps me excited every single day! :) To the next five years!

PS: I'm still annoyed why Ateneo blocked YouTube last night. All of the people here are getting paranoid, too. It's the only entertainment we've got.

The thicker you are, the wiser I should be.

Most appropriate title this blog had ever seen. Once again, I am writing an entry. And the more I write words in this, the wiser I should be. The more I write, the more thoughts come inside my head, the more I become mature. This is a one big step to moving on. Finally, I have moved on. I may forget the entire feeling but the memory still remains. It was a sad but deep journey I had for the past year. The URL may seem pointless, but I've learned to move in. Sad but happening. I can't do anything but my heart told me what to but move on.

The past month has been quite a journey. As I start my 22nd year of existence, baon-baon ko ang mga alaalang nabuo sa iisang buwan lamang. August 2012, I love you more than ever. Being part of my first production in UP-Diliman gave me refreshing feeling, new friends and colleagues, new experience, lessons, and the courage to move on. To realize that the best thing in life is loving and be loved in return, no matter how deep the love is--love of friend, love of lovers, love of one's self.

As I turn the next page, I may need more courage. And this courage may come either from the one year I was so sad, depressed, down or it may come from the one month I felt so fresh, so new. These banks of emotions, forever I will have.

To YOU: I never imagined I have met you. I never even imagined I will be able to work with you. I never realized how nice you are, how kind you are, how sweet you are, how friendly you are until recently. This is the best thing that ever happened to me in months, meeting you. I never imagined that you, an internet sensation, a charming actor, and everything nice, I will meet. Now, all that I need is this moment. To see you again. Even though everything is done now, all I need is a moment to see you again.

A day before yesterday, I said I LOST. I lost to my heart. I let myself be in love with you. I can't blame it. But I blame myself, for letting this happen for a one-week production. But maybe, this has purpose. This has reasons--me falling in love with you. That reason I do not know yet. But I just feel that this relationship of ours will be very different. Right now, I am dying to be always with you. It feels really strange. I am hoping for a lifetime friendship, kahit friendship lang. It feel so weird, it feels like I should be your friend for a very long time. Behind those conyo appearance and pa-charming look, I think I know that you have a pure heart. I want to know you more.

Let the pages be thicker.
Til I blog again.

Currently on playlist: Dead Hearts by Stars, The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson and This Moment by Nic Chagall

New book!

Pretty much this is the day I want my everyday to be.

Around noon time, I went to Megamall to meet my sister. Last night I messaged her if I could borrow her boyfriend's coat for today's debut of a friend of mine. Fortunately, there was an available coat for me to use. Haven't had the chance to buy a decent coat yesterday, first of all because I had no money actually and second, I still think this is not yet the time to invest for my own formal wears. But anyway, when I arrived at Megamall, as per usual, I was way earlier than my sister so I had to wait for a few minutes. Since I don't know where to stay and waste time, I bought a Chocolate drink at Gong Cha and sat there for a while waiting for my sister.

At my surprise, maybe she haven't left her apartment yet, that is why I decided to read 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami. I bought the book two days ago here at Fully Booked Katipunan because frankly I needed some new literature. A month ago, I stopped reading Feast for Crows because I was too preoccupied with academics and the production, and so I really can't concentrate. A Song of Ice and Fire is a kind of literature that I have to read with absolutely no distractions--just too much detail and events to remembers. So I halted my reading. Maybe I will get back on it during the semester break. But for now, I really needed something new to read (even though I'm still occupied with studies). That is why I decided to buy 1Q84. It's actually my first Murakami book, the first one I would be reading.

And so, for the next hour, I spent my time at Gong Cha sipping through my chocolate drink and fast-pacingly read the novel. Good lord, it was such a page-turner, as per my tweet about it. For the last 2 days, this is what is occupying my mind, nothing more (except for my pending due dates and projects and papers and exams). I really like Murakami's style. It's as if the characters grow into you. As of now, I don't feel like the turn of events matter, but the revelations of each character's personality and the past events of their life. It feels like I have know them already--unlike other novels where I had to depend on the actual events that happen for me to turn each page. But here, it feels as though for me to get into the story, I have the obligation to know the characters up to the last of their details. And what I like in the book are the non-dialogue parts. I like how Murakami tells a story, how he describes their past, their thoughts, etc. But of course, I'm looking forward to what will happen eventually to these characters.

This was what made me busy while I was at Gong Cha. And then, after an hour and a half, my sister texted me saying she was at the mall already. After meeting her and getting the coat, we had lunch at Sbarro. While munching, I was telling my sister that I was currently reading 1Q84 and that I am so into it right now. And then she suddenly asked me

"Have you read Fifty Shades of Gray?"

And I was so stunned that she actually asked me that. I explained to her that the night I bought 1Q84, I was supposed to buy the first Fifty Shades book. But then, I was hesitating because I feel shy if ever I bought the book. But seriously, I'm as curious as anyone for reading this book. My sister asked me about it because she was, too. And finally, she hinted that she might just buy the entire trilogy. Maybe, I'd just borrow from her.

After talking about books, we shifted to movies! I asked her if she already watched the Bourne Legacy. She haven't yet. But she instead made me tell the story. And since I kind of liked the movie, I actually told the entire story line of the movie, how the chasing scenes were great, how Manila was great, how the actors were great, but I ended it with me telling her that I really felt the movie was incomplete. That it was just the beginning, that it was a "chasing movie"--the entirety of it. But all in all, it was a great movie for me though.

We also talked about my sister's new work. Last night, she mentioned, was her last day at work. She will be working in a new company this week, and last night was her despedida/surprise party. It was a good talk, knowing stuff about her work. And I feel so happy that she actually IS good at her stuff. She said she was the one who picked her salary for her new work. That is awesome! It's because the company very much likes her, and so she has the power to suggest her salary. So cool! That made me inspired to do more in studies haha!

Anyway, that was our lunch. Such a nice conversation.

Enthusiastic Groove

Today might be one of those very meaningful days for me. So much little-happiness jam-packed in one day! Little things that make me smile, and some big news that changes our live forever! And I would definitely list them down here.

First, my only sister got engaged today! Didn't witness the actual proposal. When I got home and checked my phone, I received a text message from my sister: "Daddy, mommy, kuya and third. Engaged na ako :) nagpropose na si lon." It felt so different. I was so happy at the same time sad. So happy that they would finally marry, and I think that it is the perfect time. My sister has a very great job as an architect, also my future brother-in-law, who is also an architect and they have really planned it, I think for a very long time. Sad, because my sister is my number 2 best friend, next to my mom :) so bittersweet.

after reflecting, and after absorbing the news, what memory I remembered was when I was in Grade 3, I think, when she left Bicol to attend college in UST. That day, I was so sad that she left me a small card with her writings, and a short message saying I love you and stuff. And then that evening when she left, I put the card under my pillow and just stared at the ceiling in the middle of the night. then suddenly, I cried so loud that my parents barged into the room and comforted me and all. that was the first time my sister would not be around for a long time. such a heartbreak for a young child.

and here i am feeling so sad again (but wasnt able to cry this time, may dalawang akong roommates dito ngayon). but I feel zooo happy because I really think my sister is having the time of her life right now. Cool job, cool boyfriend, cool everything :)) cool iPad that I always borrow, cool sweldo when I always make her palibre and shit. haha.

Second, I was so stunned, speechless, etc when I learned later today that I actually met the first Propesor Tuko ever, one of the firsts, if not the first. I always thought that the first Tuko cast would be so old right now, probably aging very must, but no! I actually saw them, talked to them, let them hear my beautiful voice last Monday on a Stage Reading auditions. Such an honor to work with them IF I GET IN. haha

Thirdly, I got to taste the most delicious RED VELVET ice cream sandwich ever in my whole life. After a satisfying dinner at BonChon after our EB meeting, I tried one of the ice cream sandwiches at Sebastian's at Regis in Katipunan. It's pricey nga lang. You get to enjoy a 2.5-inch diameter red velvet sandwich for 130 pesos. MAHAL DIBA. pero shet, sobrang sarap. Until the last bite. 50shades of gray-ish ang feeling.

Fourthly, as I've mentioned earlier, we had our EB Meeting. Finally! After a month. I always feel so relieved everytime we have a meeting cause I feel so safe and secured whenever I meet the EB for a meeting. Gets me free from worries, and pressures me to do tasks that I haven't done yet. So satisfying. And finally, been working on a new system for a proper Production Documentation through my Grand Production Report! Hope I can pull this off!!!

SO THERE. :3

PS: Landi ko talaga this past few days. :> ACHICHICHI

update ;)

Currently listening to... Brokenhearted by Karmin

So bakit Brokenhearted ang pinatugtog ko? :)) Anyway, just posted something because I miss writing for myself. Apparently, right at this moment, dumadagdag ang pageviews ko, and mind you, my refreshes don't count. So someone might be reading this but who cares. Wala na akong pakialam. :))

We are on our last 2 shows: tonight and tomorrow and then it's a wrap. My 7th production takes its wrap. Mahaba-habang experience din ito. After 3 and a half years, and after 7 productions, I've landed on this role that is so difficult to do, but I managed to cope with. Yey me. And to update my studying, yeah so far, I'm still my old me, not studying at all.


Last night, I had dinner with my high school friends, Merce and Ryan! We ate at Bellini's Cubao at Cubao Expo. It was ACTUALLY my first time inside Cubao Expo. And Merce told me that it was in Bellini's where a scene of One More Chance was. Tapos sabi ako I haven't watched it yet, as in its entirety. So there. Just sharing. Yes, a fact: Hindi ko pa napapanood ang One More Chance. :))


So there, another fun dinner with Merce and Roj. Also, we dropped by CBTL Gateway to meet Merce's sister and stayed there until 10:30pm. Cute night. :))


AND SO LATER... I will be going to UP for our first meeting for a thesis play I had to act in. :D So nervous, it's my first time to work with new people. JIJndfsijdfbfv

Update #1

So finally that my internet is back, and now that I can endlessly surf and do stuff (many productive stuffs), I would like to share to you know what I've been up to... in productions, in theater, etc...

JULY PRODUCTION
Last month, we started rehearsing for our next production in July. Last night, we resumed for rehearsals since we had a one week break. This will be continuous up until the end of June, then shows will start on July. This is gonna be my most challenging role yet. Even though I'm part of a one-act play only, it's really heavy because I kind of have the main role (though, it's an ensemble actually, but just imagine the play is titled based on your role) and it's really an energy play where everything is comedy and energetic and all.

JANUARY PRODUCTION
Also, yesterday we had our firs artistic meeting for our January 2013 production! So early! And yes, we are all excited since this will be the biggest production of the company in history--it's our closing production for our 30th year. It's gonna be BIG. Based on one of the oldest epic of Southern Philippines, this musical/dance epic will be a first!

Yes, children, it will be an exciting year! Please wait for I will post promotional pictures soon! :)

in the brink of false rebellion

that is what i so feel right now. everything i do for the past year has been kind of rebellious. at times, i don't care what i do. It feels like I was doing things just to feel different, to not conform on certain things. I've been lying, I've been disobeying and I have been very irresponsible especially for the last two months.

I'm on my last year in college but it seems that I haven't right amount of passion yet. I do not know what to do exactly one year later. I do not have any idea what how to use my knowledge that I gained in college. I feel restless. Also, because of unclear priorities, I managed to gain 3 failed subjects for the past year and I'm not so sure if I would graduate on time. There is a part of me that says I can still manage to ease the remaining months, there's this another part of me that says, maybe I should tell my parents what I really want to the after school--I need theater, no matter what.

The past 2 years had changed me dramatically... My priorities in life shifted and now, I am trapped into this situation where everything I do feels like useless anymore, because I do not have passion for it. Do I finish this? Or do I step out of this? Or do I just wait, and then do something else afterwards? Clearly, there is something wrong... And that is I've found what I love to do too late. But is it too late to do something about it? The heck, no, I think. I'm just 20 years old and maybe I have 30 or more years to do what I want to do.

God help me.

Anyway, next week, we are about to start our 5th and last year and college. I kind of feel excited, and yes, I am excited to study well, improve my grades because that's the way it is. But at the end of the day, does every thing you do make you fulfilled? That's the question I have yet to answer.

Good luck to me.

PS: Feels good to be back writing down my thoughts! woohoo!

OJT post!!!

Yep, kahit mga bagay-bagay sa OJT ko, ipopost ko na rin haha! Gusto ko lang i-recommend ang website na ito!

http://www.codecademy.com/

please do try it out! if you really want to learn how to code, or if you want to refresh your memory, or if you are curious about it, or even if you don't even want to code (can serve as a game!), this is the place! as in sobrang kahit wala kang alam sa coding, just start this tutorial out and you will learn, fast.

this is one of the requirements for my ojt, and actually, im a bit behind naaa. so there, mag cocode code muna ako haha.

Day 1-3

Just came from our Day 3 workout! And yes, as I have promised, I have with me the entire routine of the program (Weight Loss Program) that we will be doing for the entire month!

DAY 1:

1. 25-30 mins. cardio warm-up
2. 15 reps, 4-5 sets of the following
1. dumbbell squat
2. dumbbell side bending
3. step-up
4. mounting climbing
5. jumping jack
3. 15 reps, 2 sets of the following
1. crunches
2. two-leg raises

DAY 2:

1. 25-30 mins. cardio warm-up
2. 15 reps, 4-5 sets of the following
1. Good morning
2. shoulder (something, haha)
3. squat jump
4. dip on bench
5. lateral pull down
6. seated row

We have to do this routine everyday, alternately.

Just to update our workout today, here are the following stats I have gathered:

1. Current weight: 158 lbs.
2. Warm-up distance: 3.13km
3. Hours of work-out: 1hr 10mins

Year for Fitness

Welcome back! It's been a while and I never really wanted to create any posts, but this deserves one! -- I started serious hardcore gym! :)) Yes, it's official. 2011 has been harsh for me, emotionally, academically and... physically. Last week, during our seminar, I was browsing my files and then after a moment, we were all watching a video that was shot last summer of 2011. Boy, was I way thinner. And I figured out that I really have to do something about it. And so, last Saturday, a friend and I decided to enroll at a gym just inside the campus. Since then, we are having our 1 and a half hour routine everyday.

And because I am taking this seriously, I think it's important that I document all programs that I will be having, and all the routines that we will be taking. But so far, I keep on forgetting how they are called. For our first month, we took the Weight Loss program as I see it should be the first step to regain back my old shape, or to make it even better.

For a whole month, we will be doing two different routines alternately everyday. But since I forgot what they are called, I will write another post later or tomorrow, and I will be giving the specifics.

Oh, yes I feel so excited! And also, I may be posting things that my friend and I eat. You know, just to keep things healthy. So for now, no more drama/emo blogs yet. We have to first make ourselves fit, and then that is where the drama posts follow. :)

Good luck to me and my friend...

On and on and on

Maybe it's time for me to write another entry. And this must not be about another of my emotional rants wherein I have to tell about my deepest feelings about someone. This one deserves happy thoughts. As of now, I'm on an overnight at my friend's and I am trying to study for my last "serious" exam for my fourth year! My current standing is F but it doesn't matter. I need to get at least 70 for me to get a C+ in the subject. All I'm focusing now is that I have to get 100 for the exam! That's the goal!

For the past week, I have been isolating myself and just focus on relaxing myself and study most of the time. I need to get higher grades even though I may not get the required QPI. One step at a time. :D

This week, I also finalized my thesis adviser! We have na! And we have our general topic already. Our main topic is developing a mobile Android-based application in the field of biomedicine! Honestly, we are alllll excited! I can't wait to study Android programming! I can't wait to learn many new things with my thesis partner! I hope 2012 is the year! Year for change, and the year to make myself better than ever! :D

I'd like to make myself believe

I still like you very, very, very, very much. Kung alam mo lang. Pero di mo naman malalaman kasi wala naman akong ginagawa para malaman mo.

Today is Valentine's Day. I promised myself na ituturing ko ang araw na ito na isang normal na araw. Magdidinner lang siguro with friends and treat the day as a day for my loved ones--my friends, my family and all the people that I care for. But good lord. I just can't get over the fact that I screwed up. People for the past days say that it's ok if you don't have the Valentine of your own, as long as you celebrate it with your loved ones, your friends, your family, your colleagues. But jeez, I felt the fragility. I am very disappointed with myself.

Now, I'm entirely sure, I still do not know how to love. Totoo nga ang sinasabi ng iba, magmamahal ka lang pag natutuhan mong mahalin ang iyong sarili. For the past months, I've been screwing up. I feel lost everytime, kahit hindi halata ng lahat. From little things, to greater decisions. I feel like I always get loose of everything.

On the other hand, ang masasabi ko lang talaga, I still like you very much. But the thing is, I do not have the guts to tell you, I do not have the guts to feel angry to you, I don't have the guts to cry because of you. Because in the end, I feel that I should start loving myself first.

Gusto kong sabihin na sana hintayin mo ako hanggang sa mahanap ko ang sarili ko. Or kapag tumanda na rin ako haha. Mahal kita.

My brain won't function for a title

Right now, I am so lonely in many ways. This morning, I had my lab class alone. My lab partner, for the first time, was absent. But good enough, I was able to finish the lab on time, faster than I expected.

But on the other hand, I am so lonely. Legitimately lonely. This afternoon, I saw him again. In red shirt. In eyeglasses. In body bag (or so I thought). The same way that I always see him months ago. And I still cringe. I always feel that something went wrong, and if I just know the right reason, I might still be able to fix this annoying relation. How can someone so close to you, suddenly lost connection with you, as if nothing happened? Should I make the first talk, the first Hi!, the first Hello!, the first glance? :|

Anyway, I'm legit lonely. Tomorrow, I will be seeing him again, and this time, he has no choice but to look at me, because everyone will be. Now, everything gets curious on what he will think whenever he sees me.

So long. It would really be of great help if I hibernate. Big time. :( Bahala na si Batman, si Cupid.

We create our own destiny

Ever since last week, I have been immersing myself with Grey's Anatomy episodes from the very first season to the second and skipping to the latest ones. But then, I promised myself I would finish all episodes and absorb as much as possible. And now, I'm in love with the series. And whenever I feel like doing nothing, there goes my watching.

And this leads me to loneliness. 5 hours ago, I was engulfed by my rage to anything and everything that I had to do this day. We had our weekly executive board meeting, I was able to contact all I had to contact, was able to jot down all the stuffs I have to remember for the rest of the week, was able to plan my next few days by saying 'yes' to different people, video shoots for projects, interviews for projects, organizing my own projects... so many things going on in my head I can't even function now. All these I was able to do because I have friends and people around me. There is this rush I cannot remove whenever I'm with people I'm working with.

But then, I got home an hour ago. And this rush suddenly was gone. No more feelings. I don't want to do anything anymore. Right now, all I can think of is writing thoughts inside my head--the excitement of being able to put down all the things I want to say but I cannot do to someone else, the pleasure of putting into writing these ideas, these random thoughts. And right now, all I want to do is to watch Grey's Anatomy. I feel so lonely. I may be able to talk to my friends over the internet, I can text away my mom, my sister, my brother, my father, but I just don't have the will. I'm tired and lonely. I want a restart. But I still can't. I have to work hard and wait. I have to finish things I had started.

Sometimes, I see myself in all the characters I watch in tv series. And then, I thought, how many people on earth are thinking the same way? If we could just know one another. Funny.

Ayan, nagttrance na ako. Haha. I have to stop this useless crap of writing emotional things. Maybe, I should just create a novel, a play, a one-act play, a monologue, a dialogue, television script. Maybe, I can write creatively. Ewan.

We are all innocent

Day 2 of my Daily Chronicles.

Here I am again, for the second day about to tell you what happened to my day. This is fun. As long as I have internet connection, I will remain telling all the stories that happen to me.

Yesterday was the second session for our directing workshop and Sir Morny focused on the relationship of the director to his/her actors, it was called Actor's Director workshop wherein the goal of the workshop was on how director will approach the actors, and also, how to make your vision in directing a play. We had familiar activities such as name proclaim, and the game where we were given 4 lines that are not connected with each other, and the goal is to create a scene that makes these lines coherent by creating an effective blocking. There were activities that I just knew yesterday, such as the Salutation to the Sun, and the Big Small Game wherein we focused on the tension of the body and how we push the limits of our body. These series of workshops were ones of the most interesting ones ever since I was joining artistic workshops. We will be having another directing workshop the Monday after next with Doc Je again. This will be exciting!

After the workshop we decided to have an overnight at Inna and Nico's, and watch some movies. Thank God natuloy siya. We spent hours deciding what to do after the workshop. Before going there, we stopped by McDonald's to buy food and wait for the others and then we saw other enta alumni! Nandoon si Ekha, si Tal, si Ate Jedyne, and Sang Mee who we first saw sa Ateneo. It was cool 'cause there were 4 generations of EB that were there, from Ate Danica's to Mark's.

We arrived at Inna's late in the afternoon. First, we ate early dinner, and watched some video clips of plays, and pictures, etc. Finally, we watched the horror movie, Grave Encounters. Low budget horror film daw siya pero in fairness, nagandahan ako dahil horror nga talaga. Hindi na nga ako makatulog kagabi dahil sa sobrang naiisip ko yung mga multo din. Effective in fairness. Nagulat lang ako na ang rating niya sa Rotten Tomatoes ay around 40%+. But anyway, the movie-watching was fun!

While watching the movie, sumunod na sina David, Dolly, Kuya Kalil, Nicole and Sang Mee. Nag-inuman sila habang kami naman ay nanonood lang ng mga random movies. It was the typical inuman / movie-watching night kila Ina. We had to spend the long weekend this way! Sayang ang four-day weekend!!! Anyway, nakatulog na kami ni Ina around 5AM na! Una, dahil sa hindi talaga kami makatulog, and pangalawa, dahil sa nagkuwentuhan pa kami.

The most interesting thing that happened last night was when I can't really sleep because of the movie. Kami na lang ni Inna ang gising sa kwarto habang si Timmy and Pat ay tulog na tulog na. Sabi ko kay Ina, ma-text nga si Nico na pumunta sa room namin para samahan kami. Eh, si Nico ay naglalaro lang pala sa kabilang kwarto. Tapos nang pumasok si Nico sa room, may binulong siya kay Inna. I asked what it was pero they didn't tell me, it was something their Mom want to tell Inna daw. So I didn't really care. So, here's the fun part:

Since 'di nga ako nakakatulog, nakatitig lang ako sa pintuan ng kwarto hanggang sa napapapikit na ako. And then suddenly, may humawak sa leeg ko! As in, parang may kumalabit sa 'kin or parang may nag-rub sa neck ko, I couldn't really figure that out. Bigla akong bumangon. Then I asked Inna and Timmy if they woke me up. Hindi naman daw. Tinanong ko si Inna kung nasaan si Nico. She said, baka nasa kabilang kwarto pa rin, naglalaro. So I was a bit uneasy, 'cause I was sure someone touched me. Humiga na lang ako. Thinking who the hell did it. Tapos bigla kong naisip na tingnan 'yung nasa ilalim na kama. And there was Nico!!! Tae, pumasok pala siya sa room nung nakatulog ako!!! And then went under the bed, just to scare me! So far, you ang pinaka nakakatawang nangyari kagabi for me.

This morning, Timmy, Pat and I had breakfast there. Then umuwi na kami to Katipunan. Dumaan muna kami sa Full Booked to, you know, tingin tingin na naman ng books, etc. Hanggang sa narinig ko sa BGM nila ang kantang "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace, hence, the title. At sa sobrang nagandahan ako, I had to search it.

So anyway, that was my day yesterday. Page 35 of 366. Done! So ang goal ko talaga ay ma-document ang bawat ang araw ko, and so far my day yesterday was fun and productive (even though I cut a class). There was the workshop and I had fun last night! Day 1 of our 4-day long weekend gone! Haha. For today, baka mag-chill lang ako sa dorm and do other acads/orgs stuff. At bukas naman, ang pinakahinihintay kong discernment for the executive board. I hope all will be well. :)

Nothing extraordinary

Now, I have the luxury of writing an entry. I just had to tell all what happened to me yesterday. Nami-miss ko na kasi mag-blog pero wala naman kasi akong major na ikkwento kaya ikkwento ko na lang yung mga random and memorable moments na nangyari kahapon. Wala na kasing mabigat na kailangan pang i-blog. Parang wala na akong emotions. Anyway, back to the topic.

Yesterday, I cut 2 of my classes. I just had to, but with no specific reasons. This year I've been cutting plenty of times. Nawawalan ako ng passion. 'Di ko alam kung bakit. Nasa stage pa rin ako ng identity crisis. Haha. What I mean is nasa stage pa rin ako na 'di ko alam kung gusto ko 'yung mga ginagawa ko. But sadly, I can't tell this to my family dahil for me, it's kind of too late to rant about this stuffs. 20 years old na ako, my goodness. I should know what I should want to do. But anyway, gusto ko lang talagang sabihin na nag-cut ako ng 2 out of 4 classes ako. At 'yung isa eh once a week lang, and nag cut na rin ako dun last week, so 2 straight cuts na 'yun, the fact na 2 cuts lang ang maximum eh naka 3 na ata ako. But I don't really care. Wala pa akong inspiration. Sobrang tagal ko nang naghahanap. As I've said, parang wala akong nararamdaman ngayon in terms of being passionate on what I do.

Yesterday, I cut. And what did I do? Nothing. Tumambay lang ako sa org room and did other stuff that is way less important. But the thing is, I had fun. After cutting my second class, the original plan of watching a play on Sunday was moved to yesterday. So, mas naging exciting ang kahapon ko dahil may nilu-look forward ako kahapon, another play to watch! But before going the theater, we had a dry-run for our upcoming project next week, a street theater festival. I'm one of the Road Managers so I had to be there and teach all our members the right flow of the event. That was fun. Hindi ko inaasahang ganito ang mga pinaggagagawa ko sa college. Ang layo sa course ko pero I was very tired and I had fun. [bgm: The Way I Am, pinapatugtog ng roommate ko.] I love it when I run a performance, when I am in the performance, when I made the performance, everything about performance in front of people. So, there.

After the dry run, sobrang nag-rush kami papuntang PETA to watch Haring Lear. And yes, libre 'to kaya ang saya-saya ko. Haha. The play was oh-my-god three hours long. Nagsisisi nga ako na hindi muna ako nag-research tungkol sa King Lear bako pinanood dahil hindi naman talaga ako fan ni Shakespeare kaya medyo na-lost ako. Pero ok lang, it was spectacular and the actors were really good. Eto na naman yung moment na nangarap ako na sana maging kasing galing rin nila ako someday. Tapos may mga sumusulpot pang mga lalakeng magaganda ang katawan. So parang, okay thank you, nagising ako sa mga moment na inaantok na ako. Nagsisi rin ako na 'di ako sumubok na manood ng Orosman at Zafira, ni hindi ko nga alam ang kwento.

Since medyo na-late kami ng mga 1 minute lang naman, medyo nawala ako sa mood dahil ayoko talagang manood ng 'di ko nasisimulan. Kaya paglabas sa theater, all I ever thought was I'm dead tired. Nag-disperse na kami at nauwi kami sa KFC for dinner. But the most fun part of that night was when we slept at Leal's house. And... made SPUSHI. :3

At dahil naisipan ko na nga, na gusto ko nang i-cherish ang bawat memory ng 20th year ko, pinicturan ko na yung niluto nilang spushi (spam-sushi), though hindi naman talaga siya mukhang totoong spushi, pero in fairness masarap ang sauce na ginawa nila Anna and Pat. And there goes my second dinner kagabi. Kumusta ang pagpapapayat ko.

After eating and all, wala na akong ginawa. Naki-net na lang ako kina Leal or nagbabasa ng mga libro niya. And that was what I wanted, just to relax, walang inuman and all the lasingan. Just plain tambay sa living room nila tapos bigla na lang aantukin ka ang magkakatabi kayong matulog. Perfect TGIF. But then again, here I am cutting my only Saturday class because I just can't feel it. Nag-cut na naman ako. :(

11:11am na! Let's make a wish. ;)

So far ang nilulook forward ko today ay ang directing workshop later this afternoon. Second session na namin ito but with a different speaker, and we are focusing now on the relationship between an actor and a director. Kaya iyon, masayang intellectual and artisitic discourse na naman ito!

So far, yan ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. Sobrang walang magawa sa buhay, sobrang walang alam kung anong gagawin. But anyway, my 20th year has been interesting. Last week, I actually had my first puffs of cigarette. I just had to try. And no, I hadn't tried it yet again. Pero ang weird kagabi, after we watched King Lear, and I so some people having cigars outside the theater, I was very curious and I was very into thinking that I really liked to try at that moment. Pero shet, ang tanging naiisip ko, parang ayoko magpa-cool, kasi I always have the feeling na pagyoyosi ka, pa cool ka, except when you're a chain smoker. Haha. But anyway, I won't smoke yet.

PS: Last night, when we were at the taxi going to Leal's after leaving the theater, siya lang na naman ang iniisip ko. Naalala ko lang yung panonood namin ng plays. :( How I wish you read this.

What would Lady Gaga do?

Just in time. I had my internet back today and now, that I am prepared to do all my school and org works, just in time, I had to write something, to let this out. For the sake of telling it.

We get the feeling that we think we don't care what people say about us--that we do whatever we want, we wear whatever feels comfortable to us, we speak whatever slang words feel just right, we see things in our own ways, we feel the confidence in so many ways. And then at one moment, someone who is very special to you, someone you really care about, judges you in so many different levels. What would you do? Would you feel offended? Would you let yourself understand him/her? Would you weigh things? Would you explain? Would you change yourself? Would you fucking change yourself!?

I give up on the friendship. For now.

I can't think of any solution. This thought is occupying my whole mind, and I have to let this out, hence this blog entry. I'm tired of thinking, analyzing, figuring out things I can do... to save a dead relationship. This can probably be a long break.

Au revoir, my friend. :)