Where did I go wrong?

As I write this, How To Save A Life is currently playing. Aside from its connection with Grey’s Anatomy and all its feelings, this song really makes me so emotional in times like this, especially now that it’s as if all my memories with him are turning back into life again.

We just came home from buying groceries and straddling at the mall. After my mom and sister bought some clothing, we bumped with my aunt and cousin. After some chitchat, my aunt said that they would pass by Oxygen and check some stuff for my cousin. After hearing the word Oxygen, everything turned into excitement within me. Actually, before bumping into my aunt, and even while my mom and sister were fitting clothes, I was thinking if there was an Oxygen stall in the mall. But probably because I was so lazy at that time, I erased it in my mind. You see, Oxygen has something to do with him.

When my sister was about to pay for the clothes they chose, she asked me if I want something as a gift from her. I said never mind, I really don’t need anything as of the moment. But once I heard my aunt said that they would pass by Oxygen, I knew perfectly I want as a gift… Once my aunt and cousin left, I looked for the Oxygen stall, looked for the perfume section, and there it was: the GAS. I immediately got the Tester perfume and sprayed a bit on my wrist, and then touched it with my other wrist to spread the fluid. And then I smelled it… AND THAT WAS WHAT I WAS LONGING TO SMELL FOR A VERY LONG TIME. THAT SMELL. L

May I just say that How To Save A Life playing really helps me a lot in writing this. All the feelings. L Anyway, as I was smelling it through my hands, and as I budge my sister to buy it for me, ALL THE MEMORIES CAME INTO FLASH. I seriously missed him. I wanted to smell him again. I want to see that shy smile. That face. That eyeglasses. That polo shirt he was always wearing. That hairstyle he always had. That body bag he always wears.

I missed the moments I had with him. I miss when we watched a play together, and I asked for his perfume because something was really smelling bad—the first time I smelled his perfume, the time I discovered that it was just a perfume and not his normal body smell. I miss it when we were washing costumes in my dorm. I miss it that I bought him milk tea, because he gave me once, also. I miss that he gave me shirt—and up until now I haven’t really worn it comfortably because it doesn’t really fit me. I miss it that we kissed at 3:03am during the Production Party. I miss him like this. I could go on and on and on writing about him again and again. But it doesn’t change the fact the he doesn’t like me anymore. Or he didn’t like me at all? (Now, Where did I go wrong? fits here. J)

Because I really miss him so much right now, I even texted him. I just said ‘Happy Holidays!’. No reply at all. Well, it’s OK. I’m fine with that. I am not expecting any friendship or even a tiny bit relationship or connection with him. It’s just that I really feel sad to the fact that, once, I had promised myself that I would wait for him—until I graduate. That he would be my man after I study. Now, it seems very impossible.

Many people have come after him—crushes, loves, or whatever. I cried because of a man after him, but after all this time, it is still HIM. L

No I wonder, when I will ever again write about him. This is so incredible. To fall in love with writing about him.

Third Villarey

December 28, 2012

10:03pm, Villarey’s Residence J