April 11, 2013
12:21 AM
It has been months since I wrote in this blog. But today,
this entry won’t be for anyone who might just bump into this space. This is for
one particular person that has been the center of everything I do. Kaya ilang
buwan akong hindi nakapagsulat—dahil sa kanya. At inaalay ko ang pagsasatitik
ng mga nararamdaman ko sa kanya, dahil kung sakali mang hindi na ‘yon mangyari
muli, at least, I would be able to live and relive and relive these moments,
over and over again. No matter how painful it would be, at least, I felt. Ika
nga ng BILOG prayer ko sa PLEVSEM last week: Ipinagdarasal ko ang mga tao na
mag-alam at magramdam. Mag-alam—na malaman nila ang tunay na sagot sa mga
katanungan nila. Magramdam—patuloy na umibig, mabigo, magmahal, masawi…nang
paulit-ulit. Dahil itong dalawang ito ang pinakamahalagang nangyayari sa isang
tao; at least, itong mga ‘to.
Para sa’yo:
Oo, nakikinig pa rin ako ng Between The Raindrops habang
sinusulat ‘to. Hindi ko matiis.
Hanggang ngayon, masasabi ko pa ring hindi ko kaya. Hindi
ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko siya masasabi.
You know what, you are the greatest love story I ever
had. And hindi ko pa rin masabi na tapos na siya. You are still lingering in my
thoughts. You’re the first person I always thought of every time I gain
consciousness. At night, you are the last one before I come into dreaming. You
are the one that makes me look forward to the next day. I always ask question
like, “when will I see you next?”, “what did you eat?”, “what were you
thinking?”
I may not be the one. I may not be the person who books
for a vacation. I may not have the right. I may not be thanking you over
Twitter. I may not be hacking you in Facebook. I may not puke at
eat-all-you-cans just to eat again. I may not cry with you because a playwright
got mad at us. I may not be those. But man, I love you. I may have loved you
more than you and I will ever know. Hindi ko alam.
My heart is broken. But it feels just right. Hindi ko pa
rin makuhang maging masaya sa iba. At may mga pagkakataong mas gugustuhin ko
pang magpakasawi kasama ka. Baliw na kung baliw. Obsessed na kung obsessed.
Pero shit, pareho tayong baliw at obsessed sa isa’t isa.
Bahala na.
Pero always remember, I would always catch your glimpses,
kahit hindi mo siya makita. Palagi kitang titingnan kung nagsspace out ka.
Hindi mawawala ang mga ‘yan. I would always stare at your itchy neck kapag
nakatalikod ka. It would always be like that. Ugh, it’s in my system na.
Walang pagpapaalam,
Third
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