The First Semester Production

And today is the day that I officially skimmed through 2 scripts that will be used for the first semester production. And I spent almost the entire day brainstorming by myself. Exploring different ways on how to attack and connect these 2 plays, which apparently, are set in 2 different time frames. But anyway, I was having this rush again, of wanting to know many things, wanting to discover new concepts, on how to make these 2 plays relevant for the young audience. And to think that these are socio-political plays back in the day, how can they be socio-political plays of today?

I started by using the songs that was mentioned in the second play. And after hearing it on YouTube, I started to think how am I going to use this music and the mood of it for the play.

I started researching on the following today

Radioactive Sago Project
Philippine bands of late 1990s and 2000s
Socio-political poets
Pinoy bands of Acid jazz and jazz fusion
Lady Gaga (ok, I really need to incorporate a style she used in one of her videos)

Also, I started to think of these:

casting dancers for the play (totally not in the original script)
had an idea for what the set will look like
how the play will start and what music will be playing
how posters would look like
etc
etc
etc

So much ideas popping in my head. But of course, these are just initial brainstorming. Marami pang pwedeng magbago!

I am just too excited! Never been excited and feeling so creative!!!

Alone*

Today, I did it again. I cried watching a TV show again. Shonda did it again. :( Just watched the latest episode 9x20 of Grey's Anatomy. Though hindi naman talaga siya nakakaiyak. It's just that so much has been done on developing the character of Christina Yang and everyone at their writers' room has been doing very well in preparing her character's exit...there is no way but to be very attached to Dr Yang, at least if you are a big fan of this series.

I am so in love with Christina Yang, and I am so in love with this show. And each and every episode, it really pains me every Christina Yang scene, kasi alam kong this is one of her lasts. And really, this season is really centered on her, on finally putting a period on her character, finally making a full cycle of what a Dr. Christina Yang is.

First half of the season (ep 1-12), of course, tackled Yang and Meredith's friendship which is oks lang sakin haha. And then perhaps the last half (ep 13-24) tackled more of Yang's relationship with Owen and, you know, her being badass (Harper Avery, etc) and of being just excellent.

This scene is where I started crying. HAHA. :')

And now, this episode really broke my heart because she loses the Harper Avery award, the highest award in the field of medicine (Oscar version they say). Sakit sa puso teh. :( But of course, medyo obvious naman na matatalo siya. And her actions afterwards would really show what kind of person she is and probably how she will leave the show.

Almost every after episode, for the past months, I always like to say I will miss you Christina Yang.

:(

*Alone: episode title reference

Your blueprint

I hate to admit it but this is what concocted in my mind throughout the course of this unfortunate series of events:

You can really never say it in front me. You are scared to hurt someone that the only way to do it is to say nothing. Keep it open, keep it vague, keep it gray. And hopefully, I can just simply understand it. Because maybe you think I am that intelligent. Or, maybe, you thought, I would do anything to prove something to you, but then, I'd realize, nothing's happening... and so, I'd just stop. You planned for me to give up.

This is the worst I can think of.

You didn't say anything maybe because if anything goes wrong between you two, I am there, waiting. I could be a fallback--if that's a good description. You know why I can say it? Because you actually said Nothing. You can't even form a single sentence when both of us can't think of anything to say anymore between those drinks. You gave me looks as if to say, I don't need you because I have him. Why don't you say it upright? But we know that won't happen. So I don't look forward to it.

2 days ago, I watched Kill Your Darlings. You can research about it and you can download and watch it. It is a wonderfully made movie, based on a true story, about a poet named Allen Ginsberg (Daniel Radcliffe) who was part of the Beat Generation, a group of poets in the earlier days. In this group was a man he met named Lucien (Dane DeHaan). I swear you've got to watch this so that you can understand what I am going to say.

Basically, Ginsberg fell in love with Lucien because they shared passion, vision and the future. But then, throughout the course of the movie, Lucien happened to be using him. He used a number of people, to attain his own vision and wants maybe because he can't do it himself. There was a powerful scene there that I really want you to see (so I recommend you to watch the movie, torrent it or something) because this scene really made me sad, and depressed, and all I thought about is my relationship with you. Who am I to you?

In the scene was Ginsberg and Lucien sitting on the grass one night, kind of drunk. And then they looked at each other and it was as if they understood their mutual feelings, and so they kissed. But when a friend came to them, and invited them to go somewhere else, Lucien said Ginsberg couldn't come because he was "supposed" to do something, a 10-page paper due the next morning.

And so, the next scene was Ginsberg doing that requirement he "has" to do. And he was crying. And I think you have to watch the next scene after that. I can't spoil it to you.

And as Ginsberg was crying, That Is What I Felt.

To understand what I'm saying, I think you really, really have to watch those scenes and the scenes after that... Kung anong naramdaman ko ngayon sa pagsusulat nito, ganoon din ang naramdaman ko habang nagsusulat si Ginsberg. Such a statement this movie has given me.

If you want to watch it, you can torrent it here: http://yts.re/movie/Kill_Your_Darlings_2013

I am just terribly sad.

Run It Out

I can't ask.
I can't know where you've been.
I can't know what you do.
Maybe because I can't take it.

Laki ng problema ko. :( And I'm really sorry if for the next days, next months, ganito ako ka emotional. I'm sorry if what you see from here are all about sadness, longing, etc. You've practically consumed all of me. And I am not asking you to do anything.

Today, I really tried to make myself busy. Because I need to think of something else. I really tried to relax my mind. To go out at night and jog alone around Ateneo for an hour. Para mabawasan yung bigat. Pero habang tumatakbo ako, nandoon ka pa rin. Nandoon ka sa dulo kung saan ako nakatingin, nandoon ka sa red brick roads. Nandoon ka sa bawat sulok na madilim. And while I keep on running, I can't seem to keep up with you. Hanggang sa naglalakad na lang ako. Mag-iisang oras na. Ang supposedly Bellarmine field route ko ay napunta sa high school. Nag-sprint na ako (na 'di ko ginagawa). I actually liked it; I felt the rushing sound while on a woosh sa carpark ng high school. And then I suddenly stopped. "This doesn't help," I said to myself. [Novel ang peg hehe]

I honestly don't know what to do...to myself. Sobrang Eat, Pray, Love lang. :( I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. Buti na lang I get inspired by people who were also running/jogging. There were moments na iniimagine ko na lang kung sino ba sila, kung bakit sila tumatakbo sa gabi, anong goal nila, anong balak nila, may pinapapogi-an ba sila o pinapagandahan, are they sad, happy, hurt, etc etc etc.

I am just one of them.

UNPUBLISHED

This post is supposed to be unpublished and hindi ko natapos. Pero parang wala nang sense tapusin. I have made my point...
NO NEGA FEELINGS, JUST WANTED TO POST THIS :D

Original post starts here-----

I am dropping this once and for all.

First, I hate the fact na kailangan ko tong isulat kasi alam kong hinding hindi ko to masasabi sa personal. Di ko to kayang bitawan, itong mga isusulat ko. Too much thoughts para sabihin sa isang conversation. I hate it na mag eexplain pa ako (kasi baka yun yung negative/turn off sakin). I have to explain a lot. I have to rationalize. I have to understand the black and the white. I have to know this and that. This has been clear from the very start. I need explanations. And I have a very valid reason for it.

Trust.

Trust, which I happened to defy. Most of my actions for the past 14 months are circling around the idea of trust. I have broken trust with my friend. And since then, I became a bit of a paranoid because of trust issues. This has been the reason, Deli. I know myself. I perfectly know myself. And I know my strengths, my weaknesses, where I am good at, where I am bad at. And lastly, I know that, from the very start, I actually don't need to much of an explanation. I am actually a happy-go-lucky person. Hanggang ngayon pa rin naman. I don't think too much on problems. I don't think too much on things I entrust to other people. I easily believe my friends. I trust them. I have faith in them. And that's what makes me easy to talk to. Nasa miting de avance ko yan. Madali akong kausap. Kasi nagtitiwala ako. I can come up with something both of us can agree with.

But this past 14 months have been rough on me regarding trust issues. First, I had actions against it. Nag-sorry na ako deep inside. Hindi ko lang magawa sa personal. Hindi ko pa kaya. But I regretted it. I simply do. And for the next months, I have been very vocal to my close friends na ayoko sa mga infidel, sa mga nagsisinungaling, sa mga unfaithful.

That is why it seems like I always need an explanation. I get paranoid. I always think every minute of every day if what you are saying is true, or what others are saying is true. I changed a lot. I feel like people are talking behind my back (na dapat alam ko naman na kung bakit nila ginagawa yun). I feel like I don't have to believe in people I talk to anymore.

pouring out

Hi blog! This has been one crazy week! And honestly, I think I can't write about it. Too tired to think. Siguro mga bits and pieces lang pag naalala ko.

Here I am listening to Lady Gaga's very first album, RED AND BLUE, noong hindi pa sya si Lady Gaga, noong may band pa sya na Stefani Germanotta Band. Red and Blue was their EP. And yes, she had a very different style, parang Avril Lavigne na may pagka Yeng Constantino. Neat! <3

Anyway, kakauwi ko lang kanina from PBCo, tambay with Timmy and PJ, while reading the script for first sem prod and reading the latest Lady Gaga book I bought yesterday. Also, we decided to push through Sinulog 2015. Baka magbook na kami sa May, go Entachu! <3

Honestly, I am so down today na pinipilit ko lang maging jolly. I feel sick, or I feel sad, or ewan. Hehe. Bahala na. :D Medyo badtrip pa parents ko kasi nagback out roommate ko so mas mahal na babayaran. :(

Oh well. Kaya ni.

And you I really want to see you. Like talk to you. Talk lang Hehe. Kahit walang drink. Kahit walang kainin. Basta I want to talk with you about random stuff. About many things about me and you. Sana maulit yun. OK na ako ngayon. It is the consequence of being alone. Of finding new things to explore. But I want an endless talk.

:)

Correct me if I'm wrong :(

NOTHING is worse than a NO. That can be the most proper statement I can say If I am going to talk about learning what life is all about. Fine, I failed. Fine, I have perfected something. Fine, I got low marks. Fine, I got high marks. Fine, someone commended me. Fine, I was criticized. Fine, they really like what I did. But, one thing I learned, and I'm pretty much sure it is the hardest part, is to get nothing.

So correct me if I'm wrong. Correct me if I am supposed to wait. Because what I see right now is something that makes me judge myself, makes me think that I am a real waste here. It makes me think na ako na naman ang patapon, isinisiksik ang sarili ko sa mga bagay-bagay. Nothing is worse than a No.

Don't think of this as something being demanded. Medyo nakaka-mindfuck lang. Hindi ako ginagamit lang at iiwan lang basta. Mindfuck legit. And it saddens me for real. :( I need enlightenment.

PS: Sobrang pointless ng previous blog posts ko because of this though. :(

Lalala.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, nag-fanboy na naman ako kay Lady Gaga. What is happening to me? I happened to watched 2 very old interviews of her sa YouTube, and can I just say sobrang I connect with this woman, she is my spirit animal, too. Huhu. And while watching those interviews, I got one of her biographies I bought long ago, and started scanning them and reading some parts of them. What is fanatic?

Oh well, nothing much to say. Actually, more of speechless. Can't say anything about what happened to me for the past 24 hours... -.- Lalala.

I wanna be...

"I just stopped and I focused 150% of my energy on my happiness, on what do you want to do. What is it that you really want? How do you explain to your friends and your mother and everyone, "I'm a singer... I want to be a singer."? What do you mean you want to be a singer? Do you sing in the shower? You know, there is no way to convince people of your greatness. You have to know on the inside whether you want to do advertising, or you want to be in finance, or you want to be a waitress, or a bartender, whatever it is that you want to be, you have to know it inside and knife-fight your way to your dream."

-Lady Gaga, The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Season 1 Episode 2

Oh, the things I find on the internet. This morning, I am very much fanboying over Lady Gaga because I feel like it. For the past 4 years, she has been my biggest inspiration. Thanks to KLF, he exudes this large appreciation for the singer that time that I have come to do it as well.

After my graduation, last week, there were moments where I just sat quietly, thinking what I have done in my entire college life, and then suddenly, there is this voice telling me that something is not just right. There has to be more. And for the past 4 days, I've been alone in my apartment, hibernating, not going out...and it becomes more evident. I feel like being enclosed in a jar surrounded by an undiscovered talent and greatness and skills and all the other stuff I want to try. And then I found this interview of hers. And it struck me.

How would you explain to your friends and to your parents what you really want to be? How would you say that you don't really want what you were doing for the past years, that you may want to get out of it? Sometimes, I get really confident that someday, I can do great things, to be a fine engineer, to be someone who inspires other students, other young ones. Sometimes, I feel like this has to be the path, that I have chosen this and this path is very clear to me. And then all of a sudden, I just realize that I am thinking this way all because I have started it already way before.

"Sayang" is what they always say. I finished. I am a complete project. And if I change track... sayang. But should it be a reason? I always think about it.

I really appreciate my older friends and mentors who can really balance their day jobs and what they are really passionate about. I do appreciate. And it crossed my mind to follow their path. But I just don't want to. I want a 100% sureness in me. I don't want to work during the day, thinking about tonight, feeling excited on what I really want to do after work. I want to be excited on my work, my job.

I can talk about this on and on and on. And it really boils down to the fact that I am a late-bloomer. And this is an entirely different story. My point is: I am so confused right now. I don't know the next step. I don't know what is the level-up for me. I feel like my identity is not yet complete. There has to be more.

PS: I will definitely write more about this soon.

What's in store for me...

This pretty much is it. Konting convincing powers na lang ng mga tao, icoconfirm ko na! Hopefully, I'd be doing something in the next months something I did 4 years ago. It is something na hindi ko masyadong gustong gawin kasi sobrang stressful, but hey, this is one big challenge for me. But then again, konting convincing powers pa. Haha, kailangan ko pang i-make sure kung gagawin ko ba talaga to. This is one hell of a big job. First stint as an alumnus. Bahala na po ika Lord. :)

And habang kinukundisyon ko pa ang sarili if I would take this opportunity, some things to work on:
1. freaking start studying for September boards.
2. find a freaking job, not just to earn something, but to find purpose in life (daming alam haha)
3. wag na magpakababoy, tamang kain lang haha

Go, 3 more quarters of 2014!
Mejo fail yung first quarter though. Dami kasing inarte sa buhay :))

<3

Update for readers haha

I am feeling so weak right now. Apart from not being able to make my nightly rituals, for the first time, i am blogging through my phone. Edi sana kung nandito pa yung ipad ko, doon na lang ako magsusulat. Pero i really want to write something but im too weak right now i can't type on my desk. At dahil mukhang magkakalagnat ako (but im confident it wont push through) nakahiga na ako ready to sleep. Feels refreshing to sleep early at nakapagbasa pa ako ng ilang pages from the book i bought yesterday Eat Pray Love. At nakapanood din ako ng past episodes ng greys anatomy. Ang saya ko lang na bata haha.
I hope for better days ahead.
Ps: ang ingay ng kapitbahay namin na bago. As in legit. Nag iinuman sila sa labas right now...

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Turn Around

"If you love someone you tell them
Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing,
Even if you're scared that it will cause problems,
Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground.
You say it and you say it loud
And then you go from there."
- Mark Sloan, Grey's Anatomy, Season 9 Episode 2

Oh God this series keeps me alive in so many ways. Thank you Shonda Rhimes. If ever I am in another life, I would be part of this wonderful characters created. :')

Explosion

Weirdest dream to date! :(

I was in an apartment just beside Empire State building (I remember there was a time na gusto ko talagang magkaroon ng apartment sa New York once I work na :D ). It was night time around 9pm siguro and I was doing something, probably working at home, then while I was talking to a friend sa phone, I was looking at the window, when suddenly a high tower similar to the old twin towers was crushed by an airplane. Just like 9/11, yes just like 9/11. The impact was so intense na ang laki ng radius na natamaan sa buong city. Luckily my apartment which is beside the Empire State was safe.

Not knowing what to do, I called my mom, who happened to be also in New York. Panic struck me because I knew she was somewhere near that tower. When I called her, she can't speak very well. And I think she needs help. I asked her where she was. I asked her what's the address. She told me, but I can't hear it clearly...something like FVC building or something like that. And so, I look for her location thru some online map where it indicates her cellphone location. It was pretty much near the explosion and the building was also ruined I think.

I hurried up to her. But suddenly I was in another ruined building with a father and a child. I don't who they were. I helped the son who I think was injured.

Then... I was awake. Never saw my mom in my dream.

This is so freaking weird.

Final Thoughts

You just can't have both.

I can feel the intention. Of bringing back the friendship. But if you deliberately make it clear that I can't be with you, then sorry, I can't be with you guys at all. Too painful. Too wretched for the gang to function again. To scarred for the friendships to work again.

Siguro in 5 years, in 10 years, ok na. Bahala na.

But just not now.

I made a huge mistake. Not this mistake of loving a wonderful person like you. But of not thinking before acting.

Now if you would risk to bring back the old times, I'm sorry I can't give that. It's too soon.

I am ready for a talk.

:'(

I cried again because of a television show, this time, How I Met Your Mother naman. Hay. I arrived kanina (pakaconyo :)) ) dito sa dorm nang mag-isa so I decided to download the last episode and watch it. Kahit hindi na ako masyadong nakakasubaybay, ok pa rin naman ata ung knowledge ko since napanood ko na mga until season 5 hehe.

I downloaded the last 2 episodes na ipinalabas lang today. And damn, hindi naman ganoon ka finale feel yung finale niya. Naiyak lang talaga ako for Robin Scherbatsky :( I won't spoil anything pero one thing I can say, naiyak ako kasi nakita ko ang sarili ko kay Robin, sa lahat ng pinagdaanan niya. At nung patapos na yung last episode, so much feelings yung feeling ko pinagdadaanan ni Robin. Ugh. Medyo mahaheartbreak ako kung tumanda akong parang si Robin.

So yun mejo maga pa yung mata ko nang dumating si roommate and another friend. Mejo affected lang talaga ako. And YOU have to watch that episode if you haven't. Lalo na yung last episode, especially the Lily-Robin scene, and the very last scene. Mejo nakakaiyak ugh.

Goodbye HIMYM.