Hey

Kumusta ka na? :)

New journey

OK, update update na naman! Haha! So far wala namang mabigat na dahilan kung bakit ako mag-u-update. Pero since malapit na ang panibagong journey ng life ko, might as well isulat ko na rin hehehe.

I'm about to be part of the work force again! August 1 na ang official start ko sa aking second job! And I'm really excited kasi feeling ko mahirap yung magiging work ko, machachallenge na naman ako. Lalo na't wala akong kilala hahaha! Also, I'm excited to be working with legal people (re: lawyers!). Yes, sa isang law firm po ang magtatrabaho! :3 Of course, this is still related to my previous work. Pero ngayon, mas involved na ako sa process of patenting. And I think having this job is a great move to further the career na 'di ko alam ay konti lang pala ang meron dito sa bansa. :D

See you Makati. Hehehe.

Waiting game

This is my most hated part of being part of a production--the waiting part after an audition. You just don't know what's happening after an audition. Makes me very paranoid, makes me think of many things, makes me reflect on how good or how lame I am. Certainly not the good feeling of waiting.

Today, I had a table read for an upcoming production this September. It wasn't actually an audition. I was invited for a table read, and that became our sort-of audition. The director just wanted us to read parts and the production was intended to be auditioned by students of the university. So, they just invited some alumni of the school, me included.

The last time I auditioned for a play where I was cast was back in 2012. That was almost 4 years ago. And after graduating, I was almost always invited for roles. I tried to audition for outside professional companies, but it just doesn't end up well.

Again, I hate the waiting part. Tonight's table read was also disappointing for me as well. I was not satisfied with my performance. And I won't be surprised if I won't get in. But I just want to be part of this prod. Especially this prod. Oh wellz.

Holding the man

They started to fill up again. Emotions crept out of me. Holding the Man was for me an ordinary film. So ordinary, it reaches my core--of realizing how difficult it is to be different in this world. Thank you for this film, thank you for the memoir that was made by Timothy Conigrave (that I really need to find soon; I wanna read it).

Emotions filled up more. Today, a devastating news broke out. A massive gun shooting just took place in Orlando, Florida. The worst in history of mass shooting of the United States.

I couldn't hold it any longer. After watching the film while sobbing, I started to browse my social media feeds, and read stories and news about the shooting. 'Di ko kinaya. Tears were just flowing. My friend just outted himself as gay/bisexual in Facebook because he cannot stand what is happening and the hate.

That letting go of emotions took me at least half an hour. I realized the difficulty of having to live differently.

---

On the other hand, I need to point out Ryan Corr's performance in the film. SOBRANG GALING can I just say?

Peg.

Not so much. But a little more.

There was a Facebook post that was shared sometime last week. It was about a man saying that art is not that important in this world. That if art is removed, the world would still function just fine. What we need are scientists that would make advances. Of course, it was obvious that the man was wrong. There is no time art is not important. In fact, we need it. But anyway, I was reading all the comments--some were simply dumb, some were right. And then I saw someone who suggested to watch a movie called After The Dark.

After the Dark is a movie about students studying philosophy in an international school in an Asian country (Indonesia? Malaysia? can't remember) And it was their last session before their graduation leading them to further studies in their chosen universities. Mild spoiler ahead. Their teacher wishes to give them one last exercise before finally leaving the school. And through this exercise, they would eventually realize (or more of what I got from the movie is) that Art is important. Art is needed.

And here's the thing why I'm sharing this now.

This is the first ever movie (or whatever art form for that matter) that I was in tears because of Art. (Not so much tears, compared to watching Love of Siam haha) I don't know exactly why. Maybe because I've been fighting for my art form alone. I never thought that art would be something I would cherish deeply in this time of my life.

Back when I was in high school, I never thought of being or wanting to become an artist. It could be a hobby. I used to sing. I used to dance. I used to act (while taking a shower, or when I'm alone in my room). But at the end of the day, I was good at Math. I love studying numbers. I was surrounded by engineers, an architect, a nurse, a saleswoman, a businessman. My point being, Art was something I would do if I only have extra time.

But boy was I lead to a different path. Many things happened in a decade. (Syempre.) My priorities have changed. The things that I imagined at night (or during the day) changed. When I was in elementary (or maybe kindergarten), I used to write in autograph books that I wanted to be a priest and a doctor at the same time. My ultimate goal back then was to work in a hospital and there should be a church nearby so I can have a mass later in the day. A big ambitious dream.

Today, I can still imagine myself doing that same dream. The difference is: it must be for a character. I dream of characters. Of portraying them. I dream priests, doctors, killers, gay men, gay abused men, men from 1940s or 1980s. I dream of them wishing I could play their roles. So much has changed. It's pretty great.

As of now, I've portrayed an emo high school guy, a gay reporter, a doctor from 1940s, a god of knowledge, a gay right-hand of a monarch, a farmer from the 1980s, a very old theater actor, a Datu who is the father of a god of some sort, a gay old religious man etc etc etc. (Daming gay!)

It was liberating. It was freeing. It was something I'd do over and over again.

But again, I'm having a hard time, fighting for this art form. Alone. For different reasons.

I didn't study about this. There are no artists in the family. They consider this a hobby. (Read: me when I was in high school.) And so, I have to do something about it. If this is what I want, pota I have to do something about it.

I read. I watch. I discover.

The other day I bought Stephen King's short story collection entitled Everything's Eventual. In its introductory part, King discussed the art form that is Short Stories. Basically, it's pretty dying. And he wishes to make it big again. So he did something about it. I appreciate that introductory part. I tell you, rarely do I buy short story collection. I love novels. But this time, I appreciated the book that I bought.

Today, I watched an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis and Lady Gaga for Variety. It's part of their Actors on Actors series. And it's the reason why I was made to write this piece now. The interview was simple: 2 actors just in front of each other asking things about acting and their experience. They get to live with it. Amazing. They get to talk about it. Discover more of themselves. And of others.

Last month, I watched a stage poetry performance by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye. It. was. different. I tell you: If I don't buy short stories collection, the heck I don't buy poetry books. (I'm not saying I don't like poetry. It's just not my taste. Or maybe, I'm having a harder time absorbing poems.) But then, I still watched. I discovered and appreciated it. Good time.

When I bought Everything's Eventual, I also bought an Elon Musk biography with it. Elon Musk is a rich entrepreneur-slash-scientist-slash-famous person who can be arguably compared to Tony Stark. Guys, this is a non-fiction book. After starting to buy and read non-fiction book this year, I am loving it. And now I can say that writing a non-fiction book is also an art.

You know, these things we do (or I do for this matter), it enriches us. Makes us know a little more. Not so much. But a little more. One show at a time. One book at a time. One appreciation at a time. An ounce of knowledge at a time. That I think is what I need.

Maybe that's why I cried (a bit) watching After The Dark. I am longing for knowledge. I want to know more. Not so much. But a little more.

PS: Damn, daming thoughts 'yun ah. I really should get back to writing more often.

PAK. HAHA.

ANONA.

Ang hirap na mag-express ng sarili. Namimiss ko yung Twitter 8-9 years ago. Kahit ano pwede ko sabihin. Mga personal thoughts. Ngayong ang ingay-ingay. Lahat opinionated. Konting sabi mo lang, ang daming magrereact. Di ka makapagbigay ng thoughts na walang sasagot o magjujudge. Gusto kong mag express online na walang kilala ko magrereact. Wala rin naman akong mapagkwentuhang isang tao na fully makikinig sa akin. Lahat either di ako sineseryoso (parang puro joke lang or feel nila masayang tao lang ako palagi), merong once na nagkkwento na ako, atat na atat na rin silang magkwento ng sarili nilang problema, meron din namang puro pangjjudge lang ang nasa isip, makakuha lang ng tsismis, at meron din namang di lang ako maintindihan or something like that.

Masyado lang ata akong naglolong ng kausap na matino or sincere. Parang lahat busy na sa kani-kanilang affairs. Napag-iiwanan na ako ng mundo (yes, lalim). Parang lahat naka move on na. Lahat nasa next level na. Ako, parang ano na? Ano nang gusto kong gawin? Ano nang balak ko? Anong priority ko? Puro ako pa rin ang problema ko?

Gusto ko talagang mawala ng like isang taon. Ako bahala sa gusto ko. Parang lahat nakaabang sa gagawin ko. Napepressure ako. Natatakot. Di ako alam next move ko. Stuck na stuck ako. Pero wala akong masabihan. Parang walang kapareho kong sitwasyon. Gusto kong sumigaw sa isang bundok, or sa roofdeck ng isang mataas na building.

HAY.

Masyado nga ata talaga akong mahirap kasama. Kaya siguro wala akong permanent set of friends. Floating kumbaga. Ang hirap pakisamahan. I dunno. :(

33rd

Dahil wala akong makuhang pictures ko nung intersession prod, magsusulat na lang ako dito.

Woooh! Tapos na ang 33rd season! Shet. What a feat. :)) Nakumpleto namin ni Nico lahat ng prod. Yung totoo? Pati newbie prod. Yung totoo. Akin nga ata talaga to kasi Thirty THIRD season. Hihi <3

Ang pinakapaborito kong gawin na prod ay GNGNU kasi sobrang pisikal niya talaga. Yung tipong from start to end, humihingal ka ganern.

Pinaka na-enjoy ko naman ay ABM kasi ang sarap paglaruan ni Karding. Daming pwedeng gawin, lalo na yung pag hithit ko ng tobacco. Yun yun eh.

Tapos pinaka na-touch ako is RDG kasi newbies. Tapos napalapit na ako sa newbies.

SDP, saks lang. Hahaha. Di ko gusto performance ko dun eh, parang wala akong input hahaha.

What a season! <3

...

Just came from a cast party. Yes, I'm kinda tired and mejo nahihilo lang pero I didn't really drink much. But I wish uminom pa ako ng marami.

Those stares. Yes, I like those stares. Balibaliktarin mo man, those stares I like. Dami kong naiisip pag nakikita ko pa rin yung titig na yun. Hehe.

But then again... Haha.

Oh well.

Am I stuck?

Wow. After 3 months, nakapaglaan na naman ako ng time para magsulat dito. Hi world! :)

Napakaraming nangyari since last time I wrote here. And most are nurturing. Pinakyaw ko lahat ng opportunities na pwede kong makuha. And after 3 months, masasabi ko namang magaganda ang naidulot nito. :)

RDG, TOM, ABM

Joining three overlapping productions is a feat for me. (or pati na rin siguro sa iba) Ang pinakamalapit na dito ay nung kasama ako sa dalawang directing output showcase noong college ako, at yung kasama din ako sa isang directing finals na dalawang estudeyante (isa sa UP at isa sa Ateneo). Pero itong pagsali ko sa RDG, Titas at ABM ng sabay-sabay--di ko alam kung may makakapantay pa dito. I've exhausted my creative juices. Haha. Sa totoo lang di pa ito tapos kasi may isang linggo pa ang ABM. Pero napag-isip ko nang magsulat ngayon dahil nasa stage na ako ng ABM na okay na ako, kumbaga kalagitnaan na ng prod, kaya masasabi kong yun na yon, tapos na yung pagmememorya, naka fix na lahat.

Sa pagsali ko sa tatlong production na ito, bawat prod ay napakarami ko pa ring natutunan. And it didn't surprise me na at this stage, para pa rin akong baguhan. Na hindi. Na oo.

Sa RDG, na-appreciate ko yung freshness na hinahanap ni Sir sa bawat show. Bilang mga fresh actors (at hindi new/amateur actors), kakaiba ang experience na naidulot ng isang prod na ang kasama ko lahat ay mga baguhan. Fresh at refreshing. Just the thing I was looking for. Naghanap ako ng bagong company, naghanap ako ng ibang environment--yung tipong co-actors ko, 'di ko pa kilala. Kinailangan ko 'yon. Kasi doon, na-challenge ako. Pakiramdam ko, kinailangan ko uling patunayan ang sarili ko, dahil walang nakakakilala sa akin. And I fully appreciated that.

Sa TOM naman, siguro ang pinaka na-absorb ko na ay 'yung ibang level na hiningi sa akin pagdating sa pag-arte. Maraming nagsabi na nagalingan sila sa performance ko. Pero sa totoo lang, I can say na it could have been better. Dahil sa nasa gitna ang TOM ng dalawa pang ibang prod, pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko pa mas nabigyan ng characterization ang tauhan ko rito. Nang mabasa ko ang script at sa mga unang araw ng rehearsal, sinabi ko na ito na ang pinakamahirap kong gagawin sa tanang pag-arte ko. Pero nang matapos ang prod, naisip ko na mukhang hindi naman. Siguro ay dahil na-overcome ko yung challenge? Di ko alam.

Sa ABM naman, ang talagang natutunan ko ay ang pasensya (sa co-actor), pag-adjust, pakikinig, compromiso. Nahirapan ako (actually, nahihirapan ako hanggang ngayon) dahil dito ipinakita na naaapektuhan ang performance ko dahil sa performance ng iba. Gusto ko maging "bigger person" pero mahirap siyang gawin. Mahirap magpaka-"okay" kung alam mo namang maayos ang ginagawa mo, pero hindi nagiging maayos dahil sa hindi maayos ang iba.

Sa kabuuan naman, na-realize ko na I REALLY WANT THIS. This is where I want to be. Ang hirap i-admit sa sarili o sa pamilya, pero I want this. I need this. I am good at this. Tama na ang arte-arte. Gusto ko 'tong gawin at magaling ako dito. Pero ang hirap seryosohin ng propesyon kung walang oportunidad. Napakalayo ng pinag-aralan ko sa gusto kong gawin.

Nakakatakot 'yung future. :S

Kaya naman, humingi ako ng sign. Kung ano mang kinalabasan ng The Hectic Feb 2016 That Was, doon ko ibabase kung itutuloy ko ba yung mga balak kong gawin. At mukhang may sagot naman na ako. I want this. I will do this. :)

SO ANO 'YUNG STUCK AKO?

So bakit sa title, stuck daw ako? Haha! Kasi sa lahat ba naman ng pinagkaabalahan ko (hindi lang yung tatlong prod na 'to kundi pati na rin yung buong #ENTA33 na pinakyaw ko lahat ng prod), iisa at iisa pa rin ang naaalala ko (naaalala lang ha). Ikaw. Ikaw na umusad na siguro? Ikaw na masaya na? Ewan. Hehe.

Aaminin ko, ikaw pa rin ang huli. At mukhang wala akong balak na may makilala. Parang naka-turn-off yung pakiramdam ko. Wala akong balak. Stone cold. Wala akong pakialam ngayon sa kung may gusto ba ako o wala. I'm just letting time pass by.

I poured myself sa art. Umarte ako sa lahat ng pwedeng artehan. Bumangko ako sa mga karanasan. Daig ko po ang estudyante. Chinallenge ko ang sarili ko na aralin ang mga dulang sinalihan ko. Nag-invest ako sa experience. Libre naman. Gagalingan ko pa kung may pagkakataon pa.

Ginagawa ko ito siguro dahil balang araw, kaya kitang balikan. Kausapin? Kumustahin? EWAN.

Kinailangan ko siguro ng outlet. Or baka dahil hindi ako mahilig mag-express ng emotion (kaya di kita makausap), kaya idinaan ko sa sining na gusto ko. Ewan talaga. Stress.

Ang linaw ng gusto ko, pero ang gulo ng gusto kong mangyari.

Yun lang siguro...

Sa muli,
Third.

(Ang sarap pa rin mag word vomit...)