Pointers

"Nagmumukhang "kayang-kaya mo akong palitan.""
--E, mas nagmumukhang ako ang kayang-akay mong palitan. With no regrets. To think na kayo naman talaga in the first place. I have no right. Kaya ako ang kayang-kaya mong palitan.

"You deserve someone way better than me."
--Sana sabihin mo rin yan sa kanya. Kasi, mas deserve niya ata yang line mo na yan after all you both have been through. Tapos ganyan mo siya tinrato. At kapag binitawan mo na yang line na yan sa kanya, feeling ko doon mo marerealize na, it's not because I deserve someone better than you, but because all along, maybe you are just afraid to tell me that you would chose him over me. Mas pipiliin ko pang masaktan dahil harap-harapan mo sa aking sasabihing mas mahal mo siya kaysa pilit mong ipagdidiinang I don't deserve you,... because even if I don't deserve you... the hell I care. It is you, Deli, that I want. It's a matter of standing up if you like me or not.

The other half I wanted to tell aside from what I blog before:
I keep on bugging you to come over my place, and do those random stuff. It's not just about that. Sa sobrang desperado ko, sa sobrang pagkatanga ko, sa sobrang kabobohan ko, iyon na lang ang naiisip kong paraan para makita ka sa personal. Dahil sigurado ako, you would never meet me or see me, or, maybe even think about me, if not because of those random things we do. How I wish I am wrong on this point, but that's what've become of me, a practical slut. So I hope you appreciate all the little 'hey's and all the little 'uy's on chat, the simple smileys i type, the usual kaharutan sa chat, the phone call, the t/sext. Because it's not just about that. It was my way to actually believe you wanted to talk to me in the first place.

There I've said it. :) All the unspoken reasons why I keep bugging you, not stopping to talk to you. And all what-nots.

"Believe what you want." That's your usual line. But this time, I say, believe what you want, because I believe what I just wrote. :)

Not only do you make me feel like an idiot, you are making me feel useless.

Hindi MAkatulog

Alas tres na ng umaga, pero hindi ako makatulog. Nakahiga na ako sa aking kama, ngunit nakabukas pa rin ang mga mata. Halos kita ko na ang buong silid dahil sa matagal na kadiliman, at pati na rin sa ilaw na pumapasok sa galing sa hallway sa labas. Pero hindi talaga ako makatulog. Napakaraming pumapasok sa isipan ko ngayon. Una, ang mga nalalapit kong mga panayam para sa mga trabaho at ang demo class sa susunod na linggo. Parehong kaba at excitement ang nararamdaman ko. Pero mas nangingibabaw ang excitement. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko mula pa man nang papasok pa lang ako ng kolehiyo na ipinanganak ako para magtrabaho at hindi mag-aral. Masamang pakinggan pero ang punto ko rito ay mas natutuwa akong pinaghihirapan ko ang aking ginagawa dahil gusto ko, hindi dahil sa kailangan kong makakuha ng mataas na marka. Bukod sa pera, iyong simpleng kagustuhan mong magawa ang nais mong gawin ay sweldo na para sa akin. At heto na siya, paparating na. At bukod sa paghahanap buhay, mas inaabangan ko talaga iyong pakiramdam na nagagawa mong paunlarin iyong sarili mo, paunlarin ang kaalaman, paunlarin ang kakayahan sa napiling larangan. Iyon talaga ang inaabangan ko. Bonus na ang sweldo. Hehe.

Pangalawa, hindi talaga ako makatulog dahil sa papalapit na produksyon ng Enta na ako ang magdidirehe. Lahat ay iniisip ko. Mula sa konsepto, sa pagbubuo ng artistic team, sa pagpaplano ng schedule hanggang sa pamagat ng twinbill na ito, nasa isip ko ngayong gabi. Ngayong gabi, hindi pa kumpleto ang pangkat pansining, wala pang tiyak na pamagat, walang pang tiyak na petsa ng plano, wala pang napag-uuapan. At halos tatlong linggo na lang, audition na. Kailangan nang magawa ang set para sa reservation ng teatro. Kailangan na ang pamagat para may identity na ang produksyon. Kaya hindi ako makatulog, hindi dahil hindi ko maisip kung anong gagawin ko para sa mga ito, kundi dahil napakarami kong naiisip na ideya at baka makalimutan ko ang mga ito. Sinulat ko na lang sa Memo ng cellphone ko yung mga naiisip ko, pero mukhang hindi naman gumagana, baka makalimutan ko pa rin pagkagising ko kung bakit ko naisip iyong mga iyon.

At dahil diyan, naisip kong magsulat na lang ng blog. Ngayon ok na ako, nasabi ko na ang gusto kong sabihin. At dahil naisulat ko na yung mga iniisip ko ngayong gabi/umaga, alam kong totoo ngang may kailangan akong gawin bukas.

Bukas. Bukas dapat marami akong gagawin pero sigurado akong tatamarin na naman ako. Kailangan kong aralin muli ang tesis ko kung sakali mang matanong ito sa panayam. Kailangan ko ring ihanda ang sarili ko sa mga kadalasang maitatanong sa mga panayam. Kailangan ko rin mag-aral para sa demo class. Kailangan ko ring mag-aral pa para sa board exam. Pero dahil sabay-sabay sila, nakaka-overwhelm lahat. Hindi ko alam kung papano na. Pero sabik pa rin ako kahit na anong mangyari.

:)

GV lang. Good night/morning.

Ang sakit ng ginagawa mo sa akin. But at the end of the day, paulit-ulit na naman to...

Say Anything

I wait for you to say the words I want to be true
But you don't say anything do you.

Let it all come out. Restless heart, lazy mouth.
But you don't say anything do you.

And I would wait all my days to hear the words I need you to say
To keep me hanging on and not walk away
But you don't say anything do you.

Felt so wrong, held my tongue over long distance phones.
Now I'm not holding anything back from you.

But I would wait all my days to hear the words I need you to say
To keep me hanging on and not walk away
But you don't say anything do you

I can't wait another day to say the words I always wanted say
And darling I pray you feel the same way
All I want to say is I love you
All I want to say... All I want to say is I love you.

A beautiful heartwrenching song by Anderson East -- "Say Anything"

Oneliners

Pretty much every single tweet I should have tweeted tonight, but can't do because everyone I love and everyone I know is following me. And it's not good to be more vulnerable than I am currently right now. Here they go:

1. Ang saking ng dibdib ko, literal. It is like someone is pushing me on the chest. And I can't stop it.
2. You've got a pretty eyes, pretty brown eyes. But as time goes on, those stares are getting empty.
3. What is unbelievable is how can someone so good do something so bad.
4. Kailan darating yung panahong makakalimutan na 'to ng lahat? Everyone is either speechless about it, or sobrang naeexcite sa mga ganitong situations.
5. I can never and will never have the sweet talk. I will just always be the good night when all other nights, you are busy.
6. I will never shut people out. It's them who shut me out.

Down

Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot. Aaminin ko, I am not looking forward to the times we spent every time you come here. But I always look forward to the fact that I can see you, talk to you and to just be with you. Totoo yan. Mas pipiliin ko pang makipagkwentuhan ng mga kung anu-anong kinaiinteresan natin. That is why, I really look forward to the things and kasabawan na kwentuhan we have after we do those 'other things'.

I can't be really mad. Sobrang babaw naman kasi kung gagawin ko 'tong isang malaking tampo 'diba. Paulit-ulit na naman. Let's be real, those things happen. Plans sometimes cannot be followed always. I just really hate, in general, na sa sobrang last minute, the waiting turns into nothing. Wala tayong magagawa dyan. Kaya imbes na magmukmok, we better be doing more productive stuff by ourselves.

But I just can't help but be sad. Because what I was really looking forward to was the talk, the eating perhaps and the drinking maybe. But that won't even be happening kahit na bukas. I don't demand anything. (Yan ang hirap pag may nakakabasa ng blog ko, especially ikaw). These are my thoughts, and sana please don't feel that I am demanding and nagpaparinig ako. This is just the way I think. Nagkataon lang na nababasa mo at alam mo yung blog ko hehe.

---I think that you are not looking forward sa labas-labas lang. You are not looking forward sa chill na kwentuhan lang. Maybe because, you find it as a 'date' which you don't want. I just feel sad kung ganoon man yung nasa isip mo. Wala na ako magagawa doon.

Or, if I am wrong all along, busy ka nga lang talaga siguro at baka pagod ka na talaga after work, so you want to go home na after.

My god, sobrang babaw ng mga hinaing ko. But again, don't think of this as something na panibago na naman nating pag-aawayan.

I just find it sad, that if my thinking is true, you would look forward to the naughty things that we do, and not the kwentuhan we have after that. I find it sad that, maybe if I am right, we are not on the right page?

Thoughts thoughts thoughts ko lang yan. No changes needed.

PS: Actually wala pa sa kalahati nang sinulat ko yung totoong mga nasa isip ko. This is kumbaga tip of the iceberg. Dami ko pang mga naiisip. Pero sa susunod na iyon. :P

Full Circle

Wow, while I was chatting to old friends and inviting them to a play I will be directing, it suddenly hit me... WOW LANG TIME FLIES SO FAST, IN FAIRNESS TO WHAT I HAVE BECOME, IN ALL FAIRNESS TO COLLEGE YEARS I HAD IN ENTA.

3 months from now I will be showcasing the first ever major production that I directed. It is a twinbill, that is of course consisting of 2 plays, having an umbrella title. Just like the first ever production I watched in the Ateneo back in 2008, the production Tarong, directed by Sir Jet Tenorio, who I consider to be my sole mentor when it comes to theater. And here I am, 6 years later, right in his own place back then, trying to think of how I am going to make this production beautifully done. 6 YEARS. After 6 years, I never imagined that I am actually doing this. This was NEVER a dream. But as years went by, this was something that I had formed in my mind, that someday, I would be doing this. Thanks to the trust of current ENTA members and officers, and to Ate Ekha... which leads me to...

ATE EKHA interviewed me in my auditions in ENTA 6 years ago. She interviewed me and told me what ENTA is all about. And 6 years later, she is now the moderator of this organization na dati ay si Sir Jet din. Amazeballs. sobrang bilis ng panahon.

AND one more amazing thing. The play MAY KATWIRAN ANG KATWIRAN is now so special to me. Kahit hindi ko masyado kabisado yung dula. It went full circle on me!!! Noong nanalo ako ng LSAA last year for Theater Acting, we were handed the MKAK script, and so I read its entirety. And may nabasa akong paragraph na mahaba, and I thought, bakit sobrang familiar ng paragraph na ito. Then, it hit me!!! That paragraph was the one I used in my first BASIC ACTING WORKSHOP 6 years ago as well. It was really funny though, we had to make a scene for LSAA, and we used MKAK. So amazeballls.

I'm just really amazed. Full circle. Ang saya lang. In advance, I want to thank everyone who gave me trust. Especially to Sir Jet and Ate Ekha. To the current officers, na pinagkatiwalaan talaga ako kahit 4 years na akong hindi nagdidirect.

And now... on to the next three STRESSFUL months of my life!!! APIIIIIIR, DISAPIIIIIR!!

Incessant rambles

This is the part when I can ramble about you endlessly. But again, what is the point? As I've said way way back, it is so that I won't be able to forget these memories. But again, what is the point?

Fuck words. Fuck literature. Fuck poetry. Fuck music. Fuck favorite songs. Fuck lyrics. Fuck puns. Fuck delicious things.

It is not that I am moving on, but because it is too painful to say anything, to write anything, to let alone tweet anything. It seems so pointless. In contrast to what Lupita said, my dreams are not valid. It will never be. Unless someone, somehow, would just believe that you and me are against the world. And that you are not stupid enough to think that this someone is you.

It is not that I am getting illogical, but how dare all great things fall into your place. I would be selfish to discuss things with you about you other people say, but it looks like they are right.

That would be selfish of me.
It's me.

Puro na lang ko rant. Puro na lang ko explain. Paulit-ulit na sana. Pag-ako dae mapamati, yaun ka saiya. Pag ako nagpamati ning kadikit, mahihirak ka, madigdi ka sako. Paulit-ulit. Sabihun mo gusto mo yaun kami pareho.

Again, I've made a rant entry. Now, the ball is in your court.

#feelingbvwithreasons #theusual

What is the point?

"What is the point? What is the point of anything?"
-Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy, Season 10 Episode 21

Welcome back to me. I had the most meaningful vacation back in Naga City for so many reasons. And I would like to make bullets out of them:

• I arrived at Naga weighing 176 lbs, peaked at 183 lbs and went home to Manila weighing 180 lbs. Before I left the house to go to the bus station, my mom scolded me a bit about how I came bloating up for the past months. She said I need some serious dieting, and I will take this seriously.
• I fell in love with arts again. As I was thinking about how I would start finding job, my Tita asked me how was my arts was coping and if I would still pursue it after all my job huntings. I solidly said yes, and in fact, I will be fucking directing. That moment she was asking made me fell in love with what I love all over again.
• As we were traveling from Tinambac to Goa, we witnessed an accident. And I swear, if we were earlier that time, we were the ones who could have died. Details I can't put here, because it was nerve-wrecking.
• I got totally disconnected to the online world. It feels great.

And I really think the one that highlights these all is that this 6-day vacation I had, there was something in it. And it feels good.