Stand Up, Get Up

Ngayong napanood ko na ang midseason winter finale ng Grey's Anatomy, ang dami ko na namang feelings. It has been a while since naantig na naman ako ng isang Grey's episode. I cannot fathom how the writers were able to write such stories. After ng last scene, sobrang dumbstruck lang ako, di ako alam mafifeel ko. So I stood up from my chair (habang nagtataka roommate ko kung anong nangyayari sakin), and went straight to my bed, nakadapa, habang nakasubsob yung mukha ko sa una, tapos umiyak na lang ako nang grabe, pero sobrang tahimik. ALL THE FEELS.

Kahit sobrang cliffhanger, I loved every inch of it. These are the moments na everything could have happened the other way around. :( Eto yung mga moments na kung papalagpasin mo, di mo alam kung ano yung mga what-ifs. Kung di mo palalampasin, may mga masasaktan ka naman. But the best part is the feeling after you take an action. So many feels for Jackson Avery :(

And another good part of this midseason finale is yung pag quote ni Jackson sa mga lines ni Mark Sloan sa Season 9 finale episode--kung mahal mo ang isang tao, sabihin mo. Sabihin mo nang ubod ng lakas. Bago ka pa malawan ng pagkakataon. SAK.

I <3 GREY'S ANATOMY. :')

First Storytelling!

Went to Jamayka Compound at Tandang Sora, QC. Had our Time for Creation project for Theo under Fr. Georg. We had storytelling for our project. Sobrang saya! We did not expect it to be this fun and challenging and sort of successful! The night before, sobrang hindi ko alam kung paano ko mapupull off ang isang story telling since I've never done it before. But then nakaraos naman! Kahit at the middle of the story halos wala nang nakikinig sakin, push lang! Saya lang we did it only once, may nagtanong pang bata kung kelan kami babalik :(

Congrats to
Ana for illustrating the book
Vix for writing the story
and for me haha I did most of the storytelling
pictures c/o Ana

story telling in action! 

with the children of Jamayka Compound

Convenience

First time ko maligo twice in a day after a long time. After watching the Grey's Season 10 premiere, naisipan ko lang maligo kasi iniiwasan ko talaga yung gagawin ko. Ahehehe.

Gusto ko magblog kasi madami na namang tumatakbo sa isip ko. And the only place I can say this ay dito.

Nagiging impatient na ako. Too much thoughts piling up.

Minsan, hindi ako ang dapat mag-initiate for a conversation.

Baka all along, mali ako.

Kailangang pag-usapan.

Convenience guy. That's what they say.

Calm before the storm not

Rage. Ito ang naramdaman ko nang saglit ngayong araw. Nagising ako ng 5:30am as usual, parati naman akong nauuna kaysa sa alarm clock ng cellphone ko. Pero nang magising na ako, pumikit muna ako nang matagal, baka sakaling magmukhang matagal na oras pa akong natutulog ng kunwari, para mawala yung pakiramdam na 'wala ka nang oras kaya bumangon ka na'. Pagmulat ng mga mata ko, 6:30 na. Bumangon at naligo sa malamig na umaga. After going out of the bathroom, I knew I would be a having a very, very, very, very long day. Had class first thing in the morning. 8:30am class pero super aga akong dumating sa classroom. After class, I went to Jollibee to meet my thesis partner. Then, went to our thesis adviser. Had another class at 1:30pm. Project consultation at 3:30pm. Thesis again at 4:30pm. Then went straight home around 5:30pm. It was one helluva tiring day. Nakakaiyak deep inside. Rage.

Mejo nag-rage ako internally. Kasi sobrang dami na ng ginagawa. Nakakaiyak talaga. As in there were times today that I wanna fight with someone kasi sobrang slacker niya, that I had to shout at someone kasi sobrang freeloader niya. But I maintained my perky self and tried to be as calm as I could be. Grace under pressure. Sobrang crucial ng coming days kasi last weeks na to ng college life ko--supposedly. I don't wanna be a mess. Pero why, in this world, kung kelan sobrang inspired ka na and push na push ka na sa mga gagawin mo, then suddenly people around you won't cooperate? Oh well.

I had to instantly go home after this very tiring day. I need my safe place, my apartment, with aircon turned on. I need to eat and relax. But most of all, I need to think of this particular person that makes me feel relax instantly. My inspiration for the past few months. Salamat dahil after having a row 2 days ago, ok na ulit. And first time ko na naman kiligin after a while. Salamat at nandiyan siya kahit virtually lang muna.

I won't snap. Not now.

Let his not be the calm before the storm. Please Lord. Let me do this for the last time. Pero kung di kaya, bahala na. Hays.

Now back to procrastination ahaha.

Eerie dream

Kakagising ko lang sa isang pagtulog. Kanina pa ako tulog nang tulog, pagkatapos na magising ng saglit, mag-iinternet muna tapos aantukin na naman, tapos makakatulog na naman. Never gets old kapag walang magawa sa apartment. But then this time, tengga mode kasi suspended ang classes because of typhoon Maring. Wala talaga akong magawa except pakinggan ang patak ng ulan, panoorin ang bagong video ni Lady Gaga na Applause at tumutok sa electric fan na tanging appliance na nakabukas dahil nagmahal ang kuryente namin.

At anong nag-udyok saking magsulat ngayong kagigising ko lang?... Dahil na naman sa isang panaginip na hindi ko lubusang maisip kung bakit naiisip ko ang mga ganoong panaginip. Naka-stress.

Bago ako matulog, nanonood lang ako ng isang documentary sa Youtube na The Boy With Divine Powers. Kung ano-ano na talaga ang napapanood ko kasi wala na akong ibang magawa (maliban sa pag-aral dapat). Dahil mahigit 40 mins. ang video na 'to, inantok na ako. I paused the video at exactly 22 mins and 3 secs, and then natulog na ako. My weird dream starts...

Nasa isang shanty place kami somewhere, you know, the usual market place na nakikita mo sa streets ng India in some movies. I know it was there kasi the people are wearing their usual burqas and the complexion of the people suggests na Indian itong mga nakikita ko. I was supposedly with my sister and we'd buy things I can't remember really. We were riding the so-called pedicab and a girl/kid beggar was asking us for something. Since I didn't give any attention, kumapit lang ako sa sister ko. (blurry dream part here) After buying stuff which I still don't know, minamadali ko yung kapatid ko na sumakay sa same pedicab on the same street. I hurried to the vehicle. Tapos pagtingin ko, wala na yung Ate ko. Hinanap ko sya sa paligid. I had this weird scared feeling kasi baka nga maabutan kami nung beggar na, I had a gut, was a supernatural being. After seconds of looking for my sister, nakita ko na siya tumatakbo sa shanty street. But she was morphed into a beggar also na may magulong hair and madungis na. Tumatakbo siya na parang baliw and was running along the street away from me up to some far place I don't know. I was really creepy. Pinaalis ko na 'yung pedicab.

(blurry parts here) I climb down the pedicab and I just really felt I had to ride this jeepney to some rural and isolated area. Sumakay ako sa jeep and pagsakay ko, may tatlong nakasakay: the driver (old male), a woman I can't see beside him, and an old medyo-fat woman sa likod ng jeep na seems to be blind because she was looking on the horizon. (blurry parts here) I asked them where is this particular place I plan to go, but they can't answer I think. After arriving at my destination, still a bit of a shanty/barriotic place, narealize ko na dun din sila nakatira.

I entered a house, but this time, parang hindi bagay yung bahay sa village na yun kasi maayos siya, nicely painted with clear division of houses. I remember it was full of color orange (kahit sabi B&W lang ang mga panaginip). There I saw Toneng (!?), nakatira sya dun and he entertained me to be at home and remove my shoes. I then removed it, I remembered having 2 sets of socks that I wore. Isang mahabang mahaba, plus isang ankle-length. I remembered both being stripes and both have a pink accent at the top.

(blurry parts) I then used the bathroom, and remembered Toneng studying something on his bed, while I was about to use the CR. (blurry parts) basta I used their CR. After going out, naging si Will si Toneng (!?) And it was time to go home na ata. And he instructed me to put on my socks and shoes again... Then I finally woke up.

Some of the highlights of my dream that I find eerie:

1. my sister screaming and shouting along the street in a beggar look
2. a creepy old fat lady in dirty clothes inside a jeepney, and I remember we had this eerie conversation something about supernatural and spiritual things
3. that shanty village that feels creepy and strange

Nakakastress! Right after I woke up, bigla na lang nahulog yung calendar na nakadikit sa wall. Sobrang hindi ko kinaya yung gulat--after watching The Conjuring the other day plus watching a documentary about a special boy in Nepal.

PS: I hope everyone's safe in this rainy day!

CHANGE

Tonight, I can't sleep. Tonight will be the night that I would write something light, something positive that would make me smile when I re-read it again.

It has been 5 months. What a rush. 5 months it has been. 2013 is such a rush. Marami nang nagbago. Some things good. Some things bad. And I think these changes (or this year) could be the most unforgettable year of my young adult life. If I could describe one word for 2013, it would be CHANGE. But I would really not know that since the year is far from over. But so far, these are the changes that are taking place:

1. New home -- I am proudly announcing that I finally moved out of the dorm. I am now living in an apartment with 2 girl roommates (yes, very liberal this idea). After exactly 4 years and 11 months, I am now in a different home. Sobrang nakakaproud, that fact that I was able to move out of the dorm by myself, with the help of a special friend of course. When I was preparing my stuff back at the dorm, I have realized na sobrang daming mga bagay ang di ko kailangan--na tipong 70% of my stuff I haven't really touched for almost a couple of years. And so, after moving in my new apartment, I was able to get rid of all of them. So far, I'm having fun in my new home. Though I'm a really quiet person when I'm in my room, at least my roommates and I get along. We have stable wifi (fast wifi!), we have landline, own kitchen, own bathroom, and I am spending 50% less of when I was at the dorm. So happy!

2. Practically an alumni -- Officially, I'm on my sixth year and will be taking 16 units on my last semester. And also, I have already been an officer of my theater org for 2 years already. And so right now, i can practically think of myself as someone old, someone who just waits for college to end. Last stretch na! I just can't wait!

3. Personal relationships and other stuff -- I guess I don't have to explain this anymore. I just feel like this is not yet the right time to talk about it. :)

Ajejeje

1:03AM

April 25, 2013

NP: Don’t Give Up On Me

Once again, this night will be the night wherein I can’t think of anything, aside from my prod works and thesis, but you. For the past weeks, ikaw ang nagbibigay sa akin ng utmost happiness, that sometimes I cannot explain it, but I just kept on smiling, on being grateful, on being good to everything, on being just the right person I want to be.

Marami na naman akong inakong responsibilities. I became, yet again, one of the Production Managers of an upcoming play, will act on June, will also act this May for our summer production, been busy for our thesis…but I never feel afraid anymore. Alam kong sumubo na naman ako ng maraming kabusyhan sa buhay, pero alam kong hindi ako matatakot. Kahit magkamali, go lang, basta huwag gawing weakness ang takot…just go along. And frankly, I am surviving this feeling because of one person.

Just a random thought for the night. Can’t seem to sleep because I am excited, in a way, for what the future holds. I am excited for me, for you, for us. I love you.

NP: Love on Top

April 13, 2013

3:32pm

Sobrang hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko ngayon. Nakaramdam na ba kayo ng pakiramdam kung saan hindi niyo alam kung matutuwa kayo isa isang bagay, o kaya nama’y ikalulungkot ninyo ang bagay nito? Siyempre, sa mga magkakaibang dahilan. ‘Yung tinatawag nilang conflict of interest. Nasa panahon na ata ako na kailangan ko nang pag-isipan kung ano na ang mga susunod na mangyayari. Sa panahon na kami, na masyado nang sunud-sunod ang nangyayari at marami na ang masasaktan, kung magkataon.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam ang punto ko kung bakit nagsusulat ako ngayon. 5 minutes ago, bigla na namang nabuhay ang writing skills ko dahil naisipan ko na paano kayo kung magsulat ako ng libro ngayon—tungkol sa kasawian ko sa pag-ibig, at dadagdagan ko ng layers ng kaunti para bumenta sa masa. In a way, autobiography ko na rin siya at the same time, isang creative output na rin. Pero nakakakalahati pa lang ako ng isang pahina, bigla nagkulang ang creative juices ko. Kaya nauwi ako sa pagsusulat ngayon ng isang journal entry. Kahit anong pumasok sa utak ko, isusulat ko lang. Go lang nang go, kahit masabi akong hindi kanais-nais… Shet, parang karanasan ko lang sa pag-ibig…which I will be talking about pagkatapos ng sentence na ito.

Pabigla-bigla. Walang iniisip. ‘Yan ang description ko sa sarili ko pagdating sa pag-ibig. Actually, hindi lang do’n. Pati sa buhay, ganoon ako. Hindi ko iniisip ang mangyayari sa hinaharap. Basta gusto ko gagawin ko. Minsan, hindi ko naiisip kung anong magiging reaksyon ng magulang ko sa mga pinaggagagawa ko. Hindi ko iniisip ang gastos ko. Hindi ko iniisip kung mataas ba ang marka ko sa mga subjects ko. Pero lahat ng ito ay talo…pagdating sa pag-ibig.

Padalos-dalos. Lahat binabangga. Ang tinutukoy ko na rito ay pag-ibig. Sa mga nakaraang buwan, inisip ko na lang na wala na akong pakialam kung may masaktan na ako, kung may mawawasak akong damdamin…basta nagmamahal ako. Selfish siyang pakinggang pero, sino ba naman ang kasama ko sa buong buhay ko kundi ang sarili ko. Maling thinking siya pero nagsusurvive pa naman ako. Naging masama ako pagdating sa pag-ibig. Mas inuna ko pa ang sarili kong kasiyahan kaysa ang kung ano ang makabubuti para sa lahat.

So ano nga ang point ko? Haha. Hindi ko rin alam. Ang masasabi ko na nga lang, ulit, ay dumarating na ang panahong lahat ng kilos ko ay pag-uusapan ng nakararami. Malalaman at malalaman din nila ang lahat, kahit anong pagtatago ang aking nagawa. Minsan ang naiimagine ko na lang ay tulad ng sa pelikula. ‘Yung mga magkasintahang iniiwan lahat, kinakalimutan ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay, at mabubuhay sila nang sila lang dalawa sa malayong lugar, at doon magmamahalan. Minsan ganoon na lang ang iniisip ko. Para tapos ang usapan. Hindi ba?

So siguro nga ang point ko ngayon ay BAHALA NA. Bahala na ang tadhana, bahala na si bathala, bahala na ang kalikasan. Kung anong mangyayari, edi mangyayari. At lahat ng mangyayari, may dahilan. Maganda man ito o masakit, basta may dahilan. Kaya ang hinihingi ko na lang sa aking sarili ay tatag ng loob at paniniwala sa sarili.

We’re better than alright

April 11, 2013

12:21 AM

It has been months since I wrote in this blog. But today, this entry won’t be for anyone who might just bump into this space. This is for one particular person that has been the center of everything I do. Kaya ilang buwan akong hindi nakapagsulat—dahil sa kanya. At inaalay ko ang pagsasatitik ng mga nararamdaman ko sa kanya, dahil kung sakali mang hindi na ‘yon mangyari muli, at least, I would be able to live and relive and relive these moments, over and over again. No matter how painful it would be, at least, I felt. Ika nga ng BILOG prayer ko sa PLEVSEM last week: Ipinagdarasal ko ang mga tao na mag-alam at magramdam. Mag-alam—na malaman nila ang tunay na sagot sa mga katanungan nila. Magramdam—patuloy na umibig, mabigo, magmahal, masawi…nang paulit-ulit. Dahil itong dalawang ito ang pinakamahalagang nangyayari sa isang tao; at least, itong mga ‘to.

Para sa’yo:

Oo, nakikinig pa rin ako ng Between The Raindrops habang sinusulat ‘to. Hindi ko matiis.

Hanggang ngayon, masasabi ko pa ring hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko siya masasabi.

You know what, you are the greatest love story I ever had. And hindi ko pa rin masabi na tapos na siya. You are still lingering in my thoughts. You’re the first person I always thought of every time I gain consciousness. At night, you are the last one before I come into dreaming. You are the one that makes me look forward to the next day. I always ask question like, “when will I see you next?”, “what did you eat?”, “what were you thinking?”

I may not be the one. I may not be the person who books for a vacation. I may not have the right. I may not be thanking you over Twitter. I may not be hacking you in Facebook. I may not puke at eat-all-you-cans just to eat again. I may not cry with you because a playwright got mad at us. I may not be those. But man, I love you. I may have loved you more than you and I will ever know. Hindi ko alam.

My heart is broken. But it feels just right. Hindi ko pa rin makuhang maging masaya sa iba. At may mga pagkakataong mas gugustuhin ko pang magpakasawi kasama ka. Baliw na kung baliw. Obsessed na kung obsessed. Pero shit, pareho tayong baliw at obsessed sa isa’t isa.

Bahala na.

Pero always remember, I would always catch your glimpses, kahit hindi mo siya makita. Palagi kitang titingnan kung nagsspace out ka. Hindi mawawala ang mga ‘yan. I would always stare at your itchy neck kapag nakatalikod ka. It would always be like that. Ugh, it’s in my system na.

Walang pagpapaalam,

Third