I'd like to make myself believe

I still like you very, very, very, very much. Kung alam mo lang. Pero di mo naman malalaman kasi wala naman akong ginagawa para malaman mo.

Today is Valentine's Day. I promised myself na ituturing ko ang araw na ito na isang normal na araw. Magdidinner lang siguro with friends and treat the day as a day for my loved ones--my friends, my family and all the people that I care for. But good lord. I just can't get over the fact that I screwed up. People for the past days say that it's ok if you don't have the Valentine of your own, as long as you celebrate it with your loved ones, your friends, your family, your colleagues. But jeez, I felt the fragility. I am very disappointed with myself.

Now, I'm entirely sure, I still do not know how to love. Totoo nga ang sinasabi ng iba, magmamahal ka lang pag natutuhan mong mahalin ang iyong sarili. For the past months, I've been screwing up. I feel lost everytime, kahit hindi halata ng lahat. From little things, to greater decisions. I feel like I always get loose of everything.

On the other hand, ang masasabi ko lang talaga, I still like you very much. But the thing is, I do not have the guts to tell you, I do not have the guts to feel angry to you, I don't have the guts to cry because of you. Because in the end, I feel that I should start loving myself first.

Gusto kong sabihin na sana hintayin mo ako hanggang sa mahanap ko ang sarili ko. Or kapag tumanda na rin ako haha. Mahal kita.

My brain won't function for a title

Right now, I am so lonely in many ways. This morning, I had my lab class alone. My lab partner, for the first time, was absent. But good enough, I was able to finish the lab on time, faster than I expected.

But on the other hand, I am so lonely. Legitimately lonely. This afternoon, I saw him again. In red shirt. In eyeglasses. In body bag (or so I thought). The same way that I always see him months ago. And I still cringe. I always feel that something went wrong, and if I just know the right reason, I might still be able to fix this annoying relation. How can someone so close to you, suddenly lost connection with you, as if nothing happened? Should I make the first talk, the first Hi!, the first Hello!, the first glance? :|

Anyway, I'm legit lonely. Tomorrow, I will be seeing him again, and this time, he has no choice but to look at me, because everyone will be. Now, everything gets curious on what he will think whenever he sees me.

So long. It would really be of great help if I hibernate. Big time. :( Bahala na si Batman, si Cupid.

We create our own destiny

Ever since last week, I have been immersing myself with Grey's Anatomy episodes from the very first season to the second and skipping to the latest ones. But then, I promised myself I would finish all episodes and absorb as much as possible. And now, I'm in love with the series. And whenever I feel like doing nothing, there goes my watching.

And this leads me to loneliness. 5 hours ago, I was engulfed by my rage to anything and everything that I had to do this day. We had our weekly executive board meeting, I was able to contact all I had to contact, was able to jot down all the stuffs I have to remember for the rest of the week, was able to plan my next few days by saying 'yes' to different people, video shoots for projects, interviews for projects, organizing my own projects... so many things going on in my head I can't even function now. All these I was able to do because I have friends and people around me. There is this rush I cannot remove whenever I'm with people I'm working with.

But then, I got home an hour ago. And this rush suddenly was gone. No more feelings. I don't want to do anything anymore. Right now, all I can think of is writing thoughts inside my head--the excitement of being able to put down all the things I want to say but I cannot do to someone else, the pleasure of putting into writing these ideas, these random thoughts. And right now, all I want to do is to watch Grey's Anatomy. I feel so lonely. I may be able to talk to my friends over the internet, I can text away my mom, my sister, my brother, my father, but I just don't have the will. I'm tired and lonely. I want a restart. But I still can't. I have to work hard and wait. I have to finish things I had started.

Sometimes, I see myself in all the characters I watch in tv series. And then, I thought, how many people on earth are thinking the same way? If we could just know one another. Funny.

Ayan, nagttrance na ako. Haha. I have to stop this useless crap of writing emotional things. Maybe, I should just create a novel, a play, a one-act play, a monologue, a dialogue, television script. Maybe, I can write creatively. Ewan.

We are all innocent

Day 2 of my Daily Chronicles.

Here I am again, for the second day about to tell you what happened to my day. This is fun. As long as I have internet connection, I will remain telling all the stories that happen to me.

Yesterday was the second session for our directing workshop and Sir Morny focused on the relationship of the director to his/her actors, it was called Actor's Director workshop wherein the goal of the workshop was on how director will approach the actors, and also, how to make your vision in directing a play. We had familiar activities such as name proclaim, and the game where we were given 4 lines that are not connected with each other, and the goal is to create a scene that makes these lines coherent by creating an effective blocking. There were activities that I just knew yesterday, such as the Salutation to the Sun, and the Big Small Game wherein we focused on the tension of the body and how we push the limits of our body. These series of workshops were ones of the most interesting ones ever since I was joining artistic workshops. We will be having another directing workshop the Monday after next with Doc Je again. This will be exciting!

After the workshop we decided to have an overnight at Inna and Nico's, and watch some movies. Thank God natuloy siya. We spent hours deciding what to do after the workshop. Before going there, we stopped by McDonald's to buy food and wait for the others and then we saw other enta alumni! Nandoon si Ekha, si Tal, si Ate Jedyne, and Sang Mee who we first saw sa Ateneo. It was cool 'cause there were 4 generations of EB that were there, from Ate Danica's to Mark's.

We arrived at Inna's late in the afternoon. First, we ate early dinner, and watched some video clips of plays, and pictures, etc. Finally, we watched the horror movie, Grave Encounters. Low budget horror film daw siya pero in fairness, nagandahan ako dahil horror nga talaga. Hindi na nga ako makatulog kagabi dahil sa sobrang naiisip ko yung mga multo din. Effective in fairness. Nagulat lang ako na ang rating niya sa Rotten Tomatoes ay around 40%+. But anyway, the movie-watching was fun!

While watching the movie, sumunod na sina David, Dolly, Kuya Kalil, Nicole and Sang Mee. Nag-inuman sila habang kami naman ay nanonood lang ng mga random movies. It was the typical inuman / movie-watching night kila Ina. We had to spend the long weekend this way! Sayang ang four-day weekend!!! Anyway, nakatulog na kami ni Ina around 5AM na! Una, dahil sa hindi talaga kami makatulog, and pangalawa, dahil sa nagkuwentuhan pa kami.

The most interesting thing that happened last night was when I can't really sleep because of the movie. Kami na lang ni Inna ang gising sa kwarto habang si Timmy and Pat ay tulog na tulog na. Sabi ko kay Ina, ma-text nga si Nico na pumunta sa room namin para samahan kami. Eh, si Nico ay naglalaro lang pala sa kabilang kwarto. Tapos nang pumasok si Nico sa room, may binulong siya kay Inna. I asked what it was pero they didn't tell me, it was something their Mom want to tell Inna daw. So I didn't really care. So, here's the fun part:

Since 'di nga ako nakakatulog, nakatitig lang ako sa pintuan ng kwarto hanggang sa napapapikit na ako. And then suddenly, may humawak sa leeg ko! As in, parang may kumalabit sa 'kin or parang may nag-rub sa neck ko, I couldn't really figure that out. Bigla akong bumangon. Then I asked Inna and Timmy if they woke me up. Hindi naman daw. Tinanong ko si Inna kung nasaan si Nico. She said, baka nasa kabilang kwarto pa rin, naglalaro. So I was a bit uneasy, 'cause I was sure someone touched me. Humiga na lang ako. Thinking who the hell did it. Tapos bigla kong naisip na tingnan 'yung nasa ilalim na kama. And there was Nico!!! Tae, pumasok pala siya sa room nung nakatulog ako!!! And then went under the bed, just to scare me! So far, you ang pinaka nakakatawang nangyari kagabi for me.

This morning, Timmy, Pat and I had breakfast there. Then umuwi na kami to Katipunan. Dumaan muna kami sa Full Booked to, you know, tingin tingin na naman ng books, etc. Hanggang sa narinig ko sa BGM nila ang kantang "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace, hence, the title. At sa sobrang nagandahan ako, I had to search it.

So anyway, that was my day yesterday. Page 35 of 366. Done! So ang goal ko talaga ay ma-document ang bawat ang araw ko, and so far my day yesterday was fun and productive (even though I cut a class). There was the workshop and I had fun last night! Day 1 of our 4-day long weekend gone! Haha. For today, baka mag-chill lang ako sa dorm and do other acads/orgs stuff. At bukas naman, ang pinakahinihintay kong discernment for the executive board. I hope all will be well. :)

Nothing extraordinary

Now, I have the luxury of writing an entry. I just had to tell all what happened to me yesterday. Nami-miss ko na kasi mag-blog pero wala naman kasi akong major na ikkwento kaya ikkwento ko na lang yung mga random and memorable moments na nangyari kahapon. Wala na kasing mabigat na kailangan pang i-blog. Parang wala na akong emotions. Anyway, back to the topic.

Yesterday, I cut 2 of my classes. I just had to, but with no specific reasons. This year I've been cutting plenty of times. Nawawalan ako ng passion. 'Di ko alam kung bakit. Nasa stage pa rin ako ng identity crisis. Haha. What I mean is nasa stage pa rin ako na 'di ko alam kung gusto ko 'yung mga ginagawa ko. But sadly, I can't tell this to my family dahil for me, it's kind of too late to rant about this stuffs. 20 years old na ako, my goodness. I should know what I should want to do. But anyway, gusto ko lang talagang sabihin na nag-cut ako ng 2 out of 4 classes ako. At 'yung isa eh once a week lang, and nag cut na rin ako dun last week, so 2 straight cuts na 'yun, the fact na 2 cuts lang ang maximum eh naka 3 na ata ako. But I don't really care. Wala pa akong inspiration. Sobrang tagal ko nang naghahanap. As I've said, parang wala akong nararamdaman ngayon in terms of being passionate on what I do.

Yesterday, I cut. And what did I do? Nothing. Tumambay lang ako sa org room and did other stuff that is way less important. But the thing is, I had fun. After cutting my second class, the original plan of watching a play on Sunday was moved to yesterday. So, mas naging exciting ang kahapon ko dahil may nilu-look forward ako kahapon, another play to watch! But before going the theater, we had a dry-run for our upcoming project next week, a street theater festival. I'm one of the Road Managers so I had to be there and teach all our members the right flow of the event. That was fun. Hindi ko inaasahang ganito ang mga pinaggagagawa ko sa college. Ang layo sa course ko pero I was very tired and I had fun. [bgm: The Way I Am, pinapatugtog ng roommate ko.] I love it when I run a performance, when I am in the performance, when I made the performance, everything about performance in front of people. So, there.

After the dry run, sobrang nag-rush kami papuntang PETA to watch Haring Lear. And yes, libre 'to kaya ang saya-saya ko. Haha. The play was oh-my-god three hours long. Nagsisisi nga ako na hindi muna ako nag-research tungkol sa King Lear bako pinanood dahil hindi naman talaga ako fan ni Shakespeare kaya medyo na-lost ako. Pero ok lang, it was spectacular and the actors were really good. Eto na naman yung moment na nangarap ako na sana maging kasing galing rin nila ako someday. Tapos may mga sumusulpot pang mga lalakeng magaganda ang katawan. So parang, okay thank you, nagising ako sa mga moment na inaantok na ako. Nagsisi rin ako na 'di ako sumubok na manood ng Orosman at Zafira, ni hindi ko nga alam ang kwento.

Since medyo na-late kami ng mga 1 minute lang naman, medyo nawala ako sa mood dahil ayoko talagang manood ng 'di ko nasisimulan. Kaya paglabas sa theater, all I ever thought was I'm dead tired. Nag-disperse na kami at nauwi kami sa KFC for dinner. But the most fun part of that night was when we slept at Leal's house. And... made SPUSHI. :3

At dahil naisipan ko na nga, na gusto ko nang i-cherish ang bawat memory ng 20th year ko, pinicturan ko na yung niluto nilang spushi (spam-sushi), though hindi naman talaga siya mukhang totoong spushi, pero in fairness masarap ang sauce na ginawa nila Anna and Pat. And there goes my second dinner kagabi. Kumusta ang pagpapapayat ko.

After eating and all, wala na akong ginawa. Naki-net na lang ako kina Leal or nagbabasa ng mga libro niya. And that was what I wanted, just to relax, walang inuman and all the lasingan. Just plain tambay sa living room nila tapos bigla na lang aantukin ka ang magkakatabi kayong matulog. Perfect TGIF. But then again, here I am cutting my only Saturday class because I just can't feel it. Nag-cut na naman ako. :(

11:11am na! Let's make a wish. ;)

So far ang nilulook forward ko today ay ang directing workshop later this afternoon. Second session na namin ito but with a different speaker, and we are focusing now on the relationship between an actor and a director. Kaya iyon, masayang intellectual and artisitic discourse na naman ito!

So far, yan ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. Sobrang walang magawa sa buhay, sobrang walang alam kung anong gagawin. But anyway, my 20th year has been interesting. Last week, I actually had my first puffs of cigarette. I just had to try. And no, I hadn't tried it yet again. Pero ang weird kagabi, after we watched King Lear, and I so some people having cigars outside the theater, I was very curious and I was very into thinking that I really liked to try at that moment. Pero shet, ang tanging naiisip ko, parang ayoko magpa-cool, kasi I always have the feeling na pagyoyosi ka, pa cool ka, except when you're a chain smoker. Haha. But anyway, I won't smoke yet.

PS: Last night, when we were at the taxi going to Leal's after leaving the theater, siya lang na naman ang iniisip ko. Naalala ko lang yung panonood namin ng plays. :( How I wish you read this.