What is not moving on?

Maybe because I really feel uneasy tonight because I was emo again after walking alone along the soccer field in Ateneo on my way home to the dorm, I think this deserve a blog post, wherein I will write continuously without even thinking what to really write next.

But first, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to whoever is reading this on mothers' day itself. I feel so down I can't do anything for my mother this mothers' day. Huhu. First, I'm far away from home. Second, I'm not really a sweet person, and I can't really put into words how mucho I liebe meine Mutter. :| Third, I don't even have an ipon to buy something to my mother, not even a chipaz bracelet or something. This really makes me sad, it adds to the emoness I feel right now. Huhu.

OK, to the real topic of this blog. OK I feel sad deep inside again. Sorry if I can't be able to say explicitly what I am talking about.

First, I really want to move on. But, I can't. :| Lame. Bakit ba kasi gustung gustung gustung gustung gusto kita!? PUTANG INA, can I just say? Bakit gustong gusto kita pero WALA naman akong ginagawa para may saysay 'tong pagkagusto ko sa'yo. Profanity kung profanity (pero actually sa blog lang yan, never naman ako nagmura tungkol sa kanya in real life hahaha).

If someone asked me if I loved him, I would say I think I loved him. I think lang. Kasi the biggest reason is, whenever I say I loved him to somebody I talk to, they always say maybe it is just an infatuation, or a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I just over-reacted. Fine OK OK OK. Infatuation na kung infatuation. Spur-of-the-moment na kung spur-of-the-moment. Pero isa lang masasabi ko: Hindi pa rin nagbago yung naramdaman ko from the moment na nasabi ko sa sarili ko na gusto ko siya, to the moment na sinabi ko na sa kanya, to the moment na 'di na kami nag-uusap, to the moment na never na talaga kaming nagkikita, to the moment na nagkasalubong lang kami sa Faura tapos hindi niya ako directly pinansin pero nag-ngitian lang kami, to the moment na nalaman ko na may gusto pala siyang iba (na narinig ko lang sa isang conversation, wala naman talagang nagsabi sakin directly, wala pa hanggang ngayon - this kind of makes me sad), to the moment na chinat ko lang siya para yayain siya sa isang production work, to the moment na I should find it very insulting na super snob siya kahit kanino, to the moment na... right up to this moment.

Wala, wala talagang nagbago. Kahit pilitin ko mang manlandi ng iba (HAHAHAHAHAHA 'to!), parang wala lang, at the end of the day siya pa rin yung tipong feeling ko pag kinausap ko, patay na patay pa rin ako. PUCHA.

(okay, ang emo na/ang cheesy na ng entry na to)

Kung magaling lang ako mag explain through words, matagal ko nang na convince ang sarili ko na mahal ko 'tong lalaki na 'to. GRRR.

Nakakagago lang talaga na walong buwan na akong naguguluhan. Well recently, binabalewala ko lang ang mga bagay-bagay. Pero fuck, ang tagal na. Sayang ng ilang buwang friendship HAHAHAHA. cheesyyy. Have I done the right thing to confess na ma-sacrifice yung closeness namin? HUHUHU. HAHAHAHA. Haha.

O, ayan, ang haba na nang sinusulat ko. SI KLF KASI, pa "he loves you" "he loves you" pa.

Grabe, fuck.

PS: I may not complain if ever I'll see him in my dream tonight kahit nightmare pa siya. At least, it is one of the better nightmares.