Dropped like a vase. No goodbyes, no final words, no anything.

honestly, there are times na I think you are too tired of me, too annoyed of me, too impatient for me to go out of your life so you can be with another one...BUT you can't tell me because 1) you are too good and too kind to lose a friendship 2) too wary to know that someone is devastated over you 3) too coward to even say anything.

believe me, sana sabihin mo na lang nang dire diretso. if totoo man.

but i still believe, kahit mukha na akong tanga, hanggat di mo sinasabi, believe me, im still here.

tired. but not tired.

You know I wouldn't mind. Kahit ilang kaartehan pa natin, kahit ilang hindi pagkakaunawaan, I will always be unable to resist saying something. I will always be the first one to maybe ask questions. I will always be there to act as if you must belong with me.

Pero ang di ko na talaga matiis is you always leave me to doubt. To keep me hanging. When I ask questions you probably don't want to answer, you keep me hanging. One very painful thing to do to a person is to let him think of all the things he can think of, mapa-aware ka man o hindi. The very thought of being indifferent to casual situations. Kung gaano mo binalewala yung mga simpleng tanong, ganoon din yun kabigat sa pag-iisip nung taong nagtanong. That is painful.

It may seem a little thing. But it destroys a person very gently. It can be a form of being 'praning'. But it the point is you let them be praning. You let them think of things. Wala naman masamang magtanggi, magsabi ng totoo, manakit ng harapan. Pinakamahirap yung biglang bibitaw at walang sasabihin.

You let people play with their minds.

The hardest hardest part is, deep inside, I wanna give up. But I won't. And I want you to remember that I did not chose for me to give up. You chose for me to give up. Maybe because it is what you want.

Just remember. I did not want this.

NEVER EVER SAY THAT I DON'T DESERVE YOU. BECAUSE FRANKLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD THAT TO HIM.

Crazy

I feel so lonely tonight. Mag-isa na naman sa apartment.

Kung isang course siguro ang buhay, bagsak na bagsak na ako. I feel so empty, I can't even express it through words.

I remember an episode I watched in Korina's magazine tv show, yung kapag galit na galit ka, may isang establishment na pwede ka lang magtapon nang magtapon ng mga pinggan sa isang wall, Tacsiyapo ata yung name nung place. I just wanna do that right now. I wanna release emotions. I wanna shout over a mountain. I wanna scream my lungs out, and cry, and laugh out so loud.

I wanna release...

Don't make me feel like a fool. 'Yan na lang ang tangi kong pakiusap. Say what has to be said, if there is.

Contented

Alone time again sa apartment, after a kinda long day: went to Math Department to update my status for teaching for first semester, and had another artistic meeting for the upcoming production. So pagkauwi ko, dami ko na namang naiisip. And I suddenly realize, so far kuntento na ako. Ilang taon din akong naging parating balisa, worried, parating nag-iisip ng problema, sa acads, sa org works. Pero ngayon, wala na akong iniisip na ganoon, sobrang gaan sa pakiramdam. And while I'm on my last days before actually working in an actual job, sinusulit ko na tong happiness na nararamdaman ko for contentment. Ilang araw na lang, and panibagong routine na naman. Ilang araw na lang may mga bago na naman akong kakilala. It is so refreshing.

And once na nakaadjust na ako sa job and sa pagdirect ng next production, that would be another time to think kung ano na naman poproblemahin ko. Another time to think kung anong next move ko. What career would I get out of this new job. What's the next step for this track? Kailangan ko atang aralin kung anong career ang nilolookforward ng isang patent analyst. Also, while directing, panibagong pagpiga na naman ng utak for creative juices. Ano pang pwede kong i-contribute? This has been my problem since I had the lsaa. After that recognition, halos wala pa akong naicocontribute sa field na iyon. This is it. A new challenge. And kailangan kong pagandahin to dahil nakakasalalay ang pangalan ko. Charot. Haha.

But so far so good. I may not be able to teach na, pero oks lang. Kung di ko makuha yun, probably it's because I may not be able to give my full attention to other stuff I do. Oks na ako dun. :)

Thanks for this huhu. :)

Failure is an integral part of success.

I feel so unmotivated for the past couple of years. And today, I feel the failure crawling upon me. :( I don't know where to start. I failed my exam. I practically did not improve as a PM for the second time. My transcript is not impressive. I feel uncomfortable with my interviews. I failed at friendships and relationships. I fail on keeping in touch with my family and friends. I can't seem to solidify my vision for an upcoming production. And I am always inside this four-walled, four-cornered room, 24/7. And yes, I will be 23 years old in 3 months. And also, I feel like I still don't know what to do with my life. They say, what you do in your early 20s will be the habits of your life. And knowing this, I'd probably die struggling to find out what I really want.

I feel directionless. I feel unplanned. And I feel weak.

Sana maprove ng life ko yung title ng entry na to.