Immersion

Will post an entry on this soon. ;)

Gardem es Calumbibit

Maybe, it all starts with insecurities. I have been reflecting by myself ever since my last blog entry. Oo, sa utak ko lang; pag mag-isa lang ako; pag nakatunganga ako; pag nagsspace out ako. Never really wanted to talk about it with anybody dahil magmumukha na naman ako engot. So, I just compile my thoughts and try to organize it. And voila, I have concluded it starts with insecurities.

Wala akong nagagawang improvements sa sarili ko dahil masyado ako walang tiwala sa sarili ko. Siguro, it is rooted with the way I grew up with my family. Everytime I do something, most of time I always get reprimanded. That’s why as I was growing up, I have resorted to keep my thoughts on my own. And unsurprisingly, it still is evident today. Kaya siguro mahina ang loob ko. Hindi ko mapanindigan ang mga bagay-bagay. Walang confidence. May pag-aalinlangan. And I hate it.

Yun lang. I just want to say that it’s all about my insecurities. Kaya hindi ako makausad sa buhay-buhay.

PS: I have been very straight to the point now kasi sobrang awkward mag-blog sa computer lab! BV.

I Am My Hair

Lady Gaga deserves to be mentioned in this particular blog entry. It is true, then, your hair defines yourself. And right now, I am my hair. Nabasa ko recently sa isang tweet, na kapag nagpagupit ka raw ng buhok, may pagmo-move-on na nagaganap. Pero sabi ko naman, para sa mga babae lang ata iyon. Dahil natural naman sa kanila ang may mahabang buhok. Pero na-realize ko, ngayong taon (2011) tatlong beses pa lang akong nagpapagupit. At ang huli at last week. I therefore reflect. Dahil sa 3 times pa lang, ibig sabihin ba may significance ang haircut sa buhay ko these past few months...

At first though, meron nga. My first haircut for the year was for a change. Sawang-sawa na ako sa buhok na barber's, sa buhok na common, sa buhok na buhok for 19 years. My second haircut, 3 months ago, was something unusual. Nagpagupit ako para maging mas kamukha ko pa ang isa kong new friend at para mas magustuhan pa ako ng taong gusto ko. And my last haircut last week was both satisfying and not. I couldn't help but think the association of my haircut with the status of my life.

Parang gusto kong kalbuhin ang sarili ko. Gusto kong mag reincarnate. Gusto kong ihugas lahat ng dumi. Gusto ko nang rebirth. Which is impossible, kaya dumaan na lang ako sa Bench Fix salon on a rainy weekday para lang matugunan ang need ko to feel new. Kahit biglang umulan ng sobrang lakas sa Katipunan, wala akong pakialam. I need to feel refreshed.

So far, positive reviews naman ang bago kong haircut. It gave me confidence. It gave me an attitude. Mas sumisipag ako. Mas hindi ako nahihiya. I feel better.

But in the middle of this all lies the fact that haircuts imply "moving on" and I don't want to accept that fact. I always kept on saying "I will never move on" but here I am having a haircut.

Nakaka-bitter. May mga pakiramdam talagang kailangan mong maramdaman kahit ayaw mo--and for me now, that is moving on. But who knows? Buhok lang naman 'to. Buhok na pwedeng gupitin kahit kailan, sa kahit na anong dahilan. So now, I want to declare that haircuts will never declare my feelings or my status in life. Sorry Lady Gaga, but for now, I can't seem to imagine that my hair is expressing what I feel.

Ang labo ng entry na 'to...