At Cantina, we had this game called '15 Questions' and obviously, the goal of the game is to ask a particular person 15 questions (or how many questions you like him/her to be asked about). And this is the game that all of us must undergo, especially if you are a true member of this organization. I was interviewed in this game 2 years ago (around Jan 2010), and I certainly forgot what the questions were.
Anyway, the point is: tonight made me think a looot! I started to think about GIVING UP. This is something I always said I wouldn't do. But it kept me thinking: I always got the feeling na ipinagtatabuyan na ako in a VERY subtle way. It's hard to assume. But I always have this feeling--hearing a voice that says "tama na"--it might be taking too much, not of my time, but of my emotions, my thoughts. Masyado ko nang pinagtutuunan ng pansin. "Alam mo naman kung ano'ng ibig niyang sabihin," says this voice.
But I DO NOT WANT to give up. Everytime I think of giving up, I also think of the fact that there is always a chance, but it has a very low probability. Nakakawalang-gana. Kung sa lotto, bumili ako ng isang daang ticket na iba-iba ang comibation ng numbers. Masyadong maraming ticket 'yon. Pero alam mo sa loob-loob mo, kulang pa rin 'yan sa milyong posibilidad na maaaring manalo. Too much effort, but there are MILLIONS of possibilities. That's the perfect analogy.
Nakakawalang-gana.
But then again, I admit I haven't tried hard enough. Kumbaga sa lotto ulit, kaya ko namang bumili ng isang milyong ticket, ba't isang daan lang? Vague, I know. But, I got my own point. Haha.
The most interesting moment for me was when I was asked if I really love/loved him.
And I perfectly know what to say. And that is what is on my mind for the rest of this journey. Love is too much of a word. I conditioned myself way before: I will only love somebody if he/she made me better--in all aspects. Has he/she helped me in a LOT of ways? And the answer is NO. But the thing is: nandoon na, eh. Nasa tuktok na ng process of falling in love. Nasa rurok na. Nasa peak na. I was in the process of fully loving him, because he actually makes me what I want to become (and this is another story I won't delve into). But then, he suddenly releases. That hurts. Bumitaw bigla. And I don't have the slightest idea. MALABO, kung sa Filipino slang.
And so, Giving Up is not so far away. It will always be an option, but I really don't have the clue of what is the answer. Sabi nga sa kanta para sa susunod na produksyon:
Haaay, nakakaloko...
Haaay, nakakahilo...
Haaay, nakakabaliw...
But then, I guess I just have to wait. And wait some more. And tell myself for awhile: All is well.
And then, start to work again.
Eveything is open.
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